The patriarchy and other things progressive young people assume you haven't heard of

YOUNG liberals are much more progressive than you because they’re experts in these things, which they arrogantly assume you’ve never heard of:

The patriarchy

Are you, an adult with a lot more hours on the clock, aware that society affords men certain advantages? In the eyes of a progressive young person the answer is: absolutely not. Because if you were then surely you would have destroyed the patriarchy by now rather than going to work or watching football. They reckon you’re lazy, and not that societal change only happens by tiny, very slow increments.

Nuclear disarmament 

Gen Z are living in the shadow of nuclear conflict and think you don’t understand their fear. However, when you tell them you grew up during the Cold War they say it’s boring and irrelevant because it happened in the old days. Then they hear ‘Two Tribes’ by Frankie Goes To Hollywood and act like they’ve just discovered this amazing band no one has ever heard of, the idiots.

Cultural appropriation

Exploiting other cultures is wrong. As far as human decency goes, that’s a pretty basic message to internalise. So much so that you processed it ages ago and have moved onto more tricky things like ‘how the f**k am I going to pay my energy bill’. Left-wing students will make a similar transition once they enter the job market.


Why can’t the older generation understand that the traditional heteronormative style isn’t the only way to be in a relationship? Well, the thing is that they do, and are happy for people to get on with it, but don’t feel the need to set up a TikTok channel called ‘Pretty Poly’ where they drone on endlessly about their tedious lifestyle choices.

Climate change

You don’t have to glue yourself to a road to let people know you’re aware of climate change. Most people show their concern for the planet by quietly worrying, nodding mournfully when David Attenborough lectures them at the end of Frozen Planet II, and voting for a political party that can actually make a difference with legislative change.

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Company's idea of reward is spending more time with colleagues

A BUSINESS has rewarded its employees for their long hours at work with more hours at work.

Staff at Malley Ventures were promised ‘a little bonus’ for working so hard but were disappointed when it was not monetary in value and involved spending even more time at the office.

Marketing manager Lauren Hewitt said: “They said we’d have an evening treat, which we thought meant going to the pub on the company credit card, but we had to spend it here. On the premises.

“They’d booked someone to do some mindfulness sessions, which I do believe can help to reduce stress, but not as much as getting shitfaced and slagging off Janice from accounts. That’s genuine catharsis.

“Instead we had a ‘sharing circle’ where we had to talk about the pressures we felt in our jobs. Everyone said things like ‘high workload’ when you knew what they wanted to say was ‘the boss is a massive prick’.

“And then we all lay down on yoga mats and did a guided meditation. It was nice enough but I was lying next to Carole’s bin where she’d discarded the remains of her tuna and onion sandwich, so I struggled to find my mind palace.”

CEO Stephen Malley said: “Feeling better, valued employees? Good. You’d better work twice as f**king hard on Monday, you lazy shits.”