Five brilliant, life-changing opportunities you f**ked up

LIFE is full of crossroads moments where choosing the right path is the key to a fantastic future. Here are five you blew.

Your school days

You were pretty bright at school and could have gone on to great academic success, but youthful you decided it was much more fun to piss about to impress your mates. After all, who wants to be the classroom swot? The answer, of course, is that kid who’s shitting money now and living in a New York loft apartment while you still languish at your parents’.

Your choice of degree

You got the grades to scrape into university and could have picked a useful career path subject like engineering or economics. Unfortunately you chose drama studies which has left you with an immense student loan to pay off using the money from your job working in a call centre.

That girl you dumped who’s now worth a fortune

Lucy was kind and thoughtful, but her friend Nikki had bigger tits and went like the clappers in the back of your Peugeot 208, so it felt like an obvious switch. Six months later Nikki was bored of you and shagging your mate Dave, so would Lucy have you back? Would she f**k. She was too busy setting up a business on the side of her degree that has now made her a millionaire.

The place you live

Everyone seemed to be moving to London after university, apart from your school friend Sophie who went back to your home town. Fast forward 15 years and you’re scraping together £1,200 a month for a poky flat in Catford, while she’s almost mortgage-free on her three-bed semi in a nice part of town. It’s getting increasingly hard to believe you made the better choice, but you keep trying.

Your partner

All your mates had serious partners by the age of 30 and you didn’t want to be left on the shelf, so you convinced yourself that bland, boring Oliver who you’d been unenthusiastically dating for a while was the perfect bloke to settle down with. Now you never have sex, his hair is thinning rapidly, and you’re constantly fantasising about how easy it would be to smother the useless bastard in his sleep, but at least you’ve got a ring on your finger.

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Everything wrong with London Sadiq Khan's fault, says man from Norwich

A MAN has cast a damning verdict on Sadiq Khan’s leadership as mayor of London, even though he lives in a different city 120 miles away.

Bill McKay believes Khan’s seven-year tenure represents a gross betrayal of the magnificent legacy of London’s finest mayor since Dick Whittington, Boris Johnson.

McKay said: “Everyone knows that London is overrun with knife-wielding criminals and you can’t pop out for milk without being murdered. That’s a fact, the Mail Online says so.

“And then there’s this ridiculous Ultra Low Emission Zone which Khan says will reduce the amount of toxic pollutants Londoners breathe in, but is obviously just a cover for his Marxist war on motorists.

“Did you know he’s recently extended the zone right out to the M25 in some places? It won’t be long before it reaches Norwich, you mark my words. Then we’ll all have to choose between cancer and driving half a mile to Tesco, and I know which side I’ll be on.”

Asked whether his antipathy towards Khan had anything to do with the fact that he is Muslim, McKay said: “No, of course not. But there’s less of them in Norwich and we can drive wherever we like, so you do the maths.”