Five signs the internet is becoming middle-aged

THE internet is no longer the trendy new kid on the block it used to be. Here are five signs it is fast approaching middle-age, just like you.

It’s obsessed with dental implants

Young people chew sweets and swig pop with cavalier abandon as if their teeth will last forever. The middle-aged, the internet included, know this isn’t the case. That’s why you see disturbing graphics of implants getting nailed into gums underneath every article, including this one. This also explains why you’re bombarded with erectile dysfunction and weight loss ads. Your search history is only partly to blame.

It’s developed problematic opinions

The internet can’t keep up with what it can and cannot say anymore. And like most middle-aged people with dodgy opinions, it’s learnt to bury its unsavoury views and only bring them up in front of likeminded wrong ‘uns. It’s too set in its ways to change its mind now though, so you’re just going to have to learn to ignore its worst bits.

It finds young people confusing

Despite the swathes of personal information that Gen Z willingly upload to the internet on a second-by-second basis, the internet still has no idea what they’re like. And just like every middle-aged person afraid of the younger generation, it plays it safe by pandering to them with TikTok and then demonising their every decision on Facebook later.

It has an odd, patchy memory

The internet’s selective memory is a sure sign that it’s getting on a bit. It can’t remember the password you told it not to forget, and if you accidentally close a tab then that shit’s gone forever. It does remember that porn video you watched once in 2017 though, and still uses that data to advertise to you to this very day.

It finds sex shocking

The internet was a freewheeling maverick in its youth that wouldn’t be afraid to barrage you with racy pop-ups, but in its advancing years all of that smut has been neatly compartmentalised as if the internet’s ashamed of it. Although to be fair there’s a lot of weird stuff like hentai, so maybe it made the right call.

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One-night stand thinks he's getting breakfast

A WOMAN’S morning has been ruined after realising the man she shagged last night is expecting to stay for breakfast.

After crawling out of bed with a debilitating hangover, Lauren Hewitt was baffled to find a bloke in her kitchen expecting to be served some food.

Hewitt said: “It was my understanding that he would slip out of my bed just after dawn, get dressed in silence and piss off home. Those are the God-given rules of the one-night stand.

“And yet here he was sat at my kitchen table, having rooted through my cupboards to make a coffee. Yes, he may have been face deep in my muff last night, but putting his lips on my favourite mug is crossing a boundary.

“Someone would have to be off-the-scale, mind-blowingly amazing at sex for me to consider making them a full English, and sadly this guy whose name I’ve forgotten doesn’t even warrant a single, solitary baked bean.”

Jack Browne said: “She was no great shakes herself, but I was so blind drunk that I threw my house keys in a river for a dare last night and I didn’t fancy waiting for the locksmith in the cold.”