Children flatly refuse all suggestions of how they might entertain themselves on day one of Easter

CHILDREN have begun the Easter holidays by going through a list of possible self-entertainment options and turning them all down flat.

On their first bored day, kids have been presented with a whole host of easy and fun things to do and have rejected them all, adding that they do not want to hear any of them again over the next fortnight.

Nine-year-old Ryan Whittaker said: “Okay, let’s go through all these and get them out of the way. Save us wasting time later.

“I’ve got loads of toys in my room – they’re all boring. Play Minecraft – I’m sick of it. Read a book – be serious. Practise my guitar – please see my answer to your previous suggestion.

“Play a board game – lol no. Do a jigsaw – just no. Watch TV – I did that for two hours before you got up and I’ve seen everything on Netflix twice.

“Bake a cake – nah. Do some drawing – I’m not at school. Play in the garden – I’m not a dog. Build a fort – I’m not a toddler.

“Okay, so that’s all options dismissed. Time to start on the good stuff. And a little hint, they’d better involve spending money.”

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Switching on the interior light, and other surefire ways to make your mum lose her shit in the car

DOES your mum act like turning on the interior light for three seconds will instantly cause a 20-vehicle pile-up? She probably hates these other things too:

Switching on the interior light

Having no time for new-fangled nonsense like satnav, your mum asks you to look at the book of maps while driving down a country lane in the dark. You switch on the light so you can see and she loses her rag over the terrible danger you’ve placed both your lives in, and then is even more furious when you get lost.

Opening a window too wide

A centimetre crack is fine for ventilation, even on the hottest day of summer. When you inadvertently lean on the button and let in a huge gust of air that buffets her carefully coiffed hairdo, she lets out a horrified shriek and tells you to shut the window this second and stop mucking around like a silly little idiot.

Putting your hand vaguely near the gear stick

While telling a story about your awful boss, you gesticulate too enthusiastically and your hand comes within 10cm of the gear stick. Your mum freaks out and tells you that you must never, ever touch the gear stick while she’s driving or something awful will happen, like the car will explode. When you tell her this is illogical hyperbole, she calls you a ‘little madam’.

Changing the radio station

A bit of music would be nice on this long journey, you think, and press the button to find something upbeat to listen to. Your mum slaps your hand away angrily and announces that listening to anything other than Radio 4 will make her swerve wildly and crash, meaning you have to suffer through The Archers omnibus and a shit play about climate change.

Eating food

Feeling peckish, you innocently open a bag of crisps and your mum goes into full meltdown. Aside from the noise of you crunching, which means she can’t concentrate at the roundabout, you’re going to get crumbs all over the interior of her freakishly pristine car. She pulls over and makes you get out and finish them in a lay-by.