Countryside couple with city friends coming to stay prepare to lie like bastards

A COUPLE who are welcoming city friends to their new countryside home are desperately thinking up ways to prove their lives are not miserable.

Eleanor and Tom Shaw moved to a village south of Ipswich during lockdown and are now under pressure to pretend it was not a monumentally stupid idea.

Shaw said: “This monotonous landscape of endless flat fields only looks good in the sunshine, and the forecast is for rain, so we’re f**ked.

“We can’t take them for a scenic walk as the sheep are lambing and the farmer threatened to shoot our dog last week, so now we’re scared to go out.

“We could go to the pub, but they have those in London. And the ones there aren’t full of racist Tories losing their shit because the landlord has put a falafel burger in the menu.

“The single shop in the village shuts at midday but we wouldn’t take them there anyway because they’ll be shocked that the only other amenity is a salon that hasn’t updated the model photos in its windows since 1982.

“I guess we’ll have to fill the time by pretending our huge, rambling house is our pride and joy rather than a depressing money pit, and that we wouldn’t rather still be living in a minuscule one-bed flat in vibrant Camden.”

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'April Fool!' shout desperate Tories

‘APRIL Fool!’ the Tories have announced, ‘The last 13 years were just a big prank! We’re starting governing seriously from now on!’

The Conservatives have revealed that everything from David Cameron becoming prime minister onwards, including austerity, Brexit, Boris Johnson, the cost-of-living crisis and Liz Truss, were one long elaborate practical joke.

Rishi Sunak, with a grin pasted to his face, said: “Haha! We totally got you! You all thought we were serious!

“It’s been tough keeping a straight face all this time as we got more and more ridiculous. We kept thinking, surely you’ll rumble us. Surely they can’t keep thinking all this is for real.

“But no, you were totally fooled and really believed the venerable Tory party, which has been running this country for more than 200 years, had become an absolute joke that cocked up everything it touched. Well, the joke’s on you!

“Honestly, you should see your faces right now. You really thought Theresa May and her Brexit strops were real? Boris Johnson? You honestly believed Liz Truss was someone who a serious country would put in charge? Hilarious!

“Anyway, joke’s over now and none of the previous 13 years counts. Please vote accordingly in the May elections. Thank you.”