A COUPLE who are welcoming city friends to their new countryside home are desperately thinking up ways to prove their lives are not miserable.
Eleanor and Tom Shaw moved to a village south of Ipswich during lockdown and are now under pressure to pretend it was not a monumentally stupid idea.
Shaw said: “This monotonous landscape of endless flat fields only looks good in the sunshine, and the forecast is for rain, so we’re f**ked.
“We can’t take them for a scenic walk as the sheep are lambing and the farmer threatened to shoot our dog last week, so now we’re scared to go out.
“We could go to the pub, but they have those in London. And the ones there aren’t full of racist Tories losing their shit because the landlord has put a falafel burger in the menu.
“The single shop in the village shuts at midday but we wouldn’t take them there anyway because they’ll be shocked that the only other amenity is a salon that hasn’t updated the model photos in its windows since 1982.
“I guess we’ll have to fill the time by pretending our huge, rambling house is our pride and joy rather than a depressing money pit, and that we wouldn’t rather still be living in a minuscule one-bed flat in vibrant Camden.”