May as well finish the pack, says man opening first can of six-pack

A MAN feels it is his duty to neck the rest of the six-pack after opening a single can of lager. 

Having cracked open his first can of Grolsch, Martin Bishop has somehow reached the conclusion that not opening the other five – which will safely keep for another 24 months – would cause them to ‘go to waste’. 

Eyeing up the remaining cans, Bishop said: “Anyone who knows me knows that I hate to leave a job half-finished. Mark my words – these cans will not survive the evening.

“Now that I’ve broken the seal on one of them, there’s a risk the others will grow mould and become toxic. Can we be sure they won’t? I’m not a f**king scientist so it’s best to play it safe and polish them off.

“Let’s face it, the evening’s only going one way, and that’s me ending up face down on the sofa when I’ve responsibly taken the decision not to waste a further six cans.”

Wife Margaret Bishop said: “He thinks you’re supposed to drink them all in one go because they sell them together like that. It’s not Grolsch’s fault he’s an imbecile.

“You should see him working his way through the entirety of a multipack of crisps. I’m sure he’ll try putting on all six condoms in a packet one of these days. Which should be interesting when you factor in the brewer’s droop.”

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So your former leader is on trial? A guide to what to expect from the UK

THE unthinkable has happened. Your former leader is on trial for breaking the law. This is what will happen next, according to a country that has been there and done that.

The press will defend someone obviously guilty

When incompetent shagger Boris Johnson was hauled over the coals, the press sprang into action to limit the damage. Sarah Vine rubbed herself raw with her keyboard then published the results, the Daily Star ran a front page with an amusing Photoshop, and they all said Keir Starmer was the real story. Expect the New York Post and Newsday to do the same.

The accused will act appallingly in court

You’d think a court summons would cause someone to pause and reflect on their actions. Hahaha. If your guy’s anything like ours he’ll take verbal swipes at the jury and bristle with narcissistic contempt throughout the hearing. You Yanks like to do everything bigger and better than us, so Trump will probably try to fire the judge or get QAnon nutters to shoot them.

The truth will get lost in the spectacle

Trials are supposed to agree on the truth via a cold evaluation of the evidence. But in high-profile cases like this, facts are prioritised by how juicy they are. Phrases like ‘porn star’, ‘adulterous affair’ and ‘$130,000’ will dominate the headlines, whereas more important but boring ones like ‘systematic tax fraud’ will only make it into news reports to pad out the word count.

Both sides will double down

Republicans will not fling their MAGA hats onto a big bonfire and suddenly support Biden. Democrats will not stay true to their sanctimonious posturing by offering an olive branch to their humiliated rival. Instead, both sides will politicise the hearing according to their own agenda and your broken democracy will stagger on as before. Ours has.

Nothing will really change

Discovering your former leader is a criminal should be an opportunity for change, or at least prison. A time to think about how your country became a cesspit of corrupt, ethics-free governance. It should be, but it won’t. Instead, Trump will swagger out of court and embark on his political comeback as if nothing of consequence just happened. Because it didn’t.