Can you beat your partner at having the most stressful week? Take our quiz

YOUR partner will claim they’ve had a stressful week, but what about poor old you? Take our quiz and find out if you can win the war of workplace martyrdom.

Your partner gets home later than usual, complaining about working extra hours. Do you say:

A) That’s awful, you must be knackered.

B) I should be so lucky. I’ve still got a mountain of emails to reply to. Better get back to it. (Pained sigh.)

Your partner had four hour-long meetings in one day. Your response?

A) Poor you.

B) List every meeting you’ve had this week, focusing on how they’re somehow much more draining by Zoom than your partner’s in-person ones, which are a fun social gathering.

Your partner’s lunch break got cut short due to deadlines. How do you reply?

A) Oh, I hope you found time to eat something.

B) I’ve been too busy to eat, all I’ve had is 15 cups of coffee.

Your partner is finding the long commute tough. What do you say to comfort them?

A) Never mind, it’s the weekend now.

B) You’re fortunate, it’s doing my head in working from home. It’s like solitary confinement, but worse.

Your partner is struggling to sleep due to career anxiety. What do you say?

A) Try not to worry, you’ll go straight to sleep when your brain switches off.

B) Yeah, can you get some sleeping pills or something because your tossing and turning is keeping me awake and I can’t afford to be exhausted next week.

Mostly As: You lost. Sure, you can feel proud you had a stressful week but were too stoical to trouble your tired partner with it, but that won’t take away the stench of failure.

Mostly Bs: You won! Your partner has to concede that yes, you’ve had a much more stressful week than them. This may be screamed at you, possibly accompanied by an object thrown at your head.

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A sexist, racist guide to fire safety. By the Fire Service

POLITICAL correctness won’t put a fire out, love, and you can’t have a smoke alarm that treats all air particles the same. Fireman Wayne Hayes explains.

Now, first up, 90 per cent of fires in the home are caused by birds. You know what you’re like, lighting candles and leaving your hair straighteners on and all that shit. Nice to look at, but heads full of nonsense.

So the best way to avoid that is to have a bloke around. A proper one too, not one of these woke lads who are halfway to joining the other team. He’s hardly going to save you when he’s asking for consent to turn off your air fryer, is he?

Don’t get me wrong, we deal with a lot of single women in our game. They call us out for some minor thing like smoke inhalation, we keep hold of their numbers and offer to perform 2am bedroom inspections. But we can’t be there all the time. We’ve got wives.

Second, you can’t trust foreigners. Now I don’t discriminate: black, Asian, Eastern European, Hispanic – they’re all a major fire risk.

They don’t understand electricity, which is a British invention, and they’re as fascinated by fire as a caveman would be. Doesn’t matter how many microwaves or storage heaters you give them, they’ll end up setting light to shit.

And they can’t take their booze – that’s not racist, that’s medical – so they’re prone to passing out fag in hand. That’s why I don’t let any in the house I sublet or the nightclub I work on the door of.

Basically being a proper lad is the key to fire safety in all circumstances, which is why that describes nine out of ten of us. Got all that? Good. No calls? Pop a porn film on, Dave.