Wednesday, 5th August 2020

Five disgusting habits you've picked up from being alone for too long

IT’S been months since anyone came round, and you were already letting things slide before. Here’s five horrendous lockdown habits you’ve picked up: 

Picking your nose and wiping it on the bedpost

Once, people had notches on the bedpost. Now they have bogies. But hey, what does it matter when the bed’s a vast loveless expanse with nobody sleeping on the other side for months? At least your snot collection adds colour. Dig away!

Open mouth chewing

Your mouth actually makes a whole host of weird noises, shapes, and sounds but you’ve forgotten about them because you’ve been alone too long and mainly chewing, mouth fully open, like a cow. Food tastes better when you can feel the breeze on your tonsils.

Picking hair out of the drain with your bare hands

It’s just easier than putting on gloves! This one does make sense, and it’s seriously satisfying watching a big clump emerge from the plughole. And then holding it in your hands, like a dead rat, and perhaps petting it for a moment.

Eating food directly from the floor

When you’re sharing space, the five-second rule applies. Now that you’re alone you can eat whatever you like directly from the surface you walk on and nobody can judge you. That dirt from the floor probably boosts your immune system, or something like that.

Drinking from the bottle

Why dirty a glass? It’ll only sit there reproachfully in the morning. Swig wine directly from the bottle and stop acting like a princess. What, you think you’re special or something?