Five easy ways to create cheap lockdown thrills

NOW that the novelty has worn off not going to work and you’ve watched everything on Netflix, what can you do to create some quick fix highs in life under lockdown? 

Turn up the heat
Quite literally add some spice to your life by adding shit tons of chilli powder to everything you eat. It doesn’t matter what you’re shovelling down: baked beans, yoghurt, a jar of Nutella — never give your tastebuds a chance to relax. A surprised mouth is an alive mouth.

Read a book
Chances are you haven’t picked up an actual book in so long, it will feel like a genuine sensory explosion. Which way up do you hold it, what are words, where are the pictures, doesn’t it have a screen? More than enough questions to set your bored lockdown brain on fire.

Fondle your vegetables clean
Every item of food you buy is going to need to be fanatically cleaned. Lather up those loose courgettes and carrots and give them a hygienic hand shandy. It’ll be bigger thrills than you’re getting from your partner now that you’re sick to death of each other’s faces.

Re-think your porn consumption
After six solid weeks, looking at naked human bodies has probably lost its thrill, so try thinking outside the box when it comes to getting frisky. For flat-dwellers, pictures of gardens can work wonders. Ex-commuters are likely to blow their load as soon as they set eyes on an image of an empty train carriage.

Repeatedly hit yourself over the head
If all else fails, repeatedly battering yourself around the head with a hard object should do the trick. First you’ll feel dizzy and then you’ll have a headache. It’s like getting drunk, but for free.

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Father quietly ditches dream of year-long campervan trip

A MIDDLE-CLASS father who always said he would love to go on a year-long campervan trip around the world with his family has quietly revised his plans.

Joseph Turner and wife Eleanor hoped that one day they would take sabbaticals from work and have some quality family time in a classic vehicle, believing it would be liberating to take the children out of school and away from the trappings of consumerism.

Turner said: “Since lockdown I’ve realised how much I enjoy the trappings of consumerism and living in a large, spacious house. I still want to travel round the world, more than ever, but definitely not in a confined space with my wife.

“I’m also very keen on the children going to school every day. If we can’t successfully home school from a three-bed semi in Crawley, I don’t think it will work from an overheated tin box in a field just outside Valencia.”

He added: “My new lifetime dream is to go back to the office and have a sandwich in peace.”