Flatmates wondering how much longer before they sleep with each other

TWO flatmates trapped together under lockdown are increasingly aware it is only a matter of time before they crack and shag each other.

Nikki Hollis has never fancied Stephen Malley, but after six weeks in lockdown she has found herself coming round to the idea that he is not utterly repulsive either.

Hollis said: “He definitely seems more attractive than he did. I don’t know if that’s because he’s now got a lockdown beard covering most of his face or it’s simply the magnetic pull of having zero other options.

“Even the sofa is starting to look quite rugged and handsome.”

Malley said: “The possibility of getting it on with Nikki was the first thought that passed through my head when the lockdown was announced, even before fear for my job or my family’s safety.

“My mates used to joke that it would take a global apocalypse to get her to sleep with me. I never thought I’d be so grateful to a deadly pathogen.”

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How to TikTok, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

SALUTATIONS. I have recently been introduced to TikTok by one of my many children and found myself having a raucously good time. Thus, I present some tips on how to become a most splendid meme-lord.

Lip-sync to a Gregorian chant
Nothing gets people invigorated more than lip-syncing to popular artists of the modern age. My personal favourite song is the Latin ‘Signum Magnum’, written for the Introit of the Feast of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary, but I suppose Dua Lipa will do at a push.

Invent an Elizabethan TikTok Dance
Sixtus and I have had a wonderful time during the lockdown choreographing a TikTok dance together on the croquet lawn. For some reason dancing the French Gavotte to Lil Nas X has yet to go viral, but it can surely only be a matter of time.

Play a practical joke on Nanny
When I am not suckling at her teat, I enjoy provoking Nanny with mischievous capers around the estate. On one occasion I replaced her feather duster with a live peacock and then filmed the ensuing hilarity and confusion. I suggest you do the same to your house staff.

The Thatcher Challenge involves dressing up as Margaret Thatcher and drinking as much milk in 15 seconds as possible, before the little kiddies snatch it back. You may find this somewhat arousing, but a sensible pleated skirt should save you from any on-camera embarrassment.