THE estate of manhood comes with a single inoffensive M&S suit, to be worn at each and every formal social event. Including these:
Christenings
Christenings are nothing more than a formality. Parents only do them so they can post tasteful black-and-white pictures to Instagram, and the child will likely grow up atheist. This means men can rock the suit they bought for £45 in 2013 without feeling guilty for not putting in any effort. Nobody’s ever going to look back on this non-event, let alone judge their wardrobe.
Funerals
If he’s chosen wisely, a man’s suit will be of a muted shade that’s just as at home on the wedding dancefloor as the graveyard. Black is too limiting, but navy or dark brown are versatile enough. Then it’s simply a case of adopting a sombre expression as they coast through the eulogies. You’d never guess they’re solely focused on whether the wake will have a free bar.
Job interviews
Job interviews are all about creating a good first impression. A bland M&S suit that’s already been worn to a graduation ceremony and jury duty tells employers that you’re resourceful and budget-conscious. But other candidates know this trick, so men are forced to stand out with an impressive CV or a useful skillset that generates revenue which is frankly unfair.
First dates with classy women
Sophisticated women expect to go for drinks at snazzy cocktail bars, which means men can’t wear their usual food-stained graphic tees. That’s where M&S’s finest polyester comes to the rescue. The cheapness is hidden under low lighting, and she’ll only feel the average workmanship if she flirtatiously touches the man’s arm. Which she won’t.
Work Christmas drinks
A proper suit would be wasted on a night out getting pissed with people you barely tolerate. Middle-of-the-road M&S suits were made for these occasions where men have to show face but also want to communicate that they’d rather be slumped in front of the telly. They’re also a subtle way for men to indicate to their managers they’re badly in need of a raise.
