Five reasons hotel room wanks are better than regular wanks

WANKING is the best human experience possible, but did you know it feels even better in a hotel room? Here’s why: 

It feels like an affair

Not with an actual person, no, but hotel wanks do feel like you’re deliciously cheating on your ordinary life. Your regular home wanking schedule, between a pile of unironed T-shirts and a pile of unread books, is far behind. You’re in Stafford Travelodge slowly succumbing to the temptations of your hand. Pray it never discovers your indiscretion.

You’re left with nothing but your imagination

At home you fire up a dozen tabs of X-rated filth like it’s nothing. Not so here. The Wi-Fi blocks smutty content and there’s no signal to connect you to your depraved online haunts. Instead you fall back on memories or scan the TV for a lingering shot of side boob. It takes you back to the giddy thrill of being a teenager.

There’s the risk of being disturbed

If you don’t put that little Do Not Disturb hanger on the door handle, anything could happen. Sydney Sweeney could burst in due to a mix up at the front desk, find you mid-strum and join in passionately. Although it’s more likely that the cleaning staff will interrupt you and turn away with a world-weary sigh.

The bedding is fresh and clean

Forget vibrating butt plugs, fresh sheets on a made bed are the most arousing sex toys of all. Bachelors don’t watch porn for a hot girl entertaining two gentlemen simultaneously, they’re all about that king-size bed with Egyptian cotton duvet cover. Phwoar. You can’t get that at home.

You can make yourself a coffee afterwards

Admittedly you could do this at home, but you don’t. A hotel room makes it so easy, because it’s literally the only other activity. After six minutes of vigorous, rewarding self-abuse you can roll over, turn the kettle on with your free hand, then pour yourself a post-masturbation treat. It’s a simple luxury that makes you feel like Leonardo DiCaprio wanking on a yacht.

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City meadow blooms with first used condom of spring

AN area of idyllic urban parkland has bloomed with spring’s first latex sign of illicit outdoor sex, it has emerged.

Resident Carolyn Ryan was walking her dogs when she spotted the used Durex Thin Feel knotted to the branch where it had blossomed overnight.

She said: “In the country you’d look for the first bluebells or bumblebees of the year to announce the arrival of spring. But here in a city park, the first sign is when doggers deem it warm enough for a furtive quickie against an oak tree.

“These migatory shaggers spend winter humping in public toilets and parked cars before emerging as the weather improves to make glorious al fresco love within sight of sheltered housing.

“You country folk think it’s obscene to have small bags of semen scattered around the park but it’s just part of nature’s cycle. Besides, flowers are a plant’s genitals and you’re fine with them waving their erect stamens about.

“Though the effect of climate change is concerning. The first outdoor f**ks of the year used to only take place at the end of the month, but now it’s clement enough to expose your thrusting buttocks to the air at the very beginning of March.

“By 2035 this could be a year-round hook-up spot. I’d hate to see condoms force out the park’s other wonderful flora, like Special Brew cans and disposable vapes.”