Saturday, 4th April 2020

Five smug middle-class social isolation activities

IF you’re middle-class and self-isolating, people still need to know that you’re better than them. Here’s how to do it.

Post links to tedious online gallery tours

You can pretend you’ve been learning about Michelangelo’s paintings in the Sistine Chapel, when actually you’ve been looking at the willies on the Elgin Marbles or having a wank over the Mona Lisa.

Volunteer and make sure everyone knows about it

Make a lasagne to drop off at the door of a local elderly person. Everyone will think you’re a saint when you post a picture on Facebook captioned ‘Just doing my bit!’ even though the truth is that you’re just offloading some out-of-date mince that was lowering the tone of your fridge.

Boast about using your second home as an isolation chamber

Even though you’re staying in London for the moment because it’s convenient to nip out to Waitrose, make sure your friends know you have a six-bedroom ‘cottage’ waiting in Cornwall ‘just in case’.

Make sure everyone knows you have a ‘pantry’

Panic buying is for people who have cupboards. You, on the other hand, have got a well-stocked pantry of essentials, including eggs from your bantams, tins of caviar, and a case of Dom Perignon for when self-isolation gets you down.

Enrol your children in unsuitable online courses

If Olivia and Marcus can’t go to school, it doesn’t mean they should stop learning. Enrol them in courses called things like Experimental Jazz For Toddlers and tell them they’ll thank you later when they say they’d rather watch CBeebies.