Five smug middle-class social isolation activities

IF you’re middle-class and self-isolating, people still need to know that you’re better than them. Here’s how to do it.

Post links to tedious online gallery tours

You can pretend you’ve been learning about Michelangelo’s paintings in the Sistine Chapel, when actually you’ve been looking at the willies on the Elgin Marbles or having a wank over the Mona Lisa.

Volunteer and make sure everyone knows about it

Make a lasagne to drop off at the door of a local elderly person. Everyone will think you’re a saint when you post a picture on Facebook captioned ‘Just doing my bit!’ even though the truth is that you’re just offloading some out-of-date mince that was lowering the tone of your fridge.

Boast about using your second home as an isolation chamber

Even though you’re staying in London for the moment because it’s convenient to nip out to Waitrose, make sure your friends know you have a six-bedroom ‘cottage’ waiting in Cornwall ‘just in case’.

Make sure everyone knows you have a ‘pantry’

Panic buying is for people who have cupboards. You, on the other hand, have got a well-stocked pantry of essentials, including eggs from your bantams, tins of caviar, and a case of Dom Perignon for when self-isolation gets you down.

Enrol your children in unsuitable online courses

If Olivia and Marcus can’t go to school, it doesn’t mean they should stop learning. Enrol them in courses called things like Experimental Jazz For Toddlers and tell them they’ll thank you later when they say they’d rather watch CBeebies.

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Middle-class parents suddenly very enthusiastic about screens

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple who formerly set strict limits on their children’s screen time have suddenly changed their minds, they have confirmed. 

Martin and Francesca Bishop, who previously only allowed one hour of screen time per day on Saturdays and Sundays only, claim to have now realised screens can actually be hugely beneficial to child brain development.

Friend Eleanor Shaw said: “Ever since their first kid was born they’ve smugly carried on about how they won’t just stick them in front of the telly but instead take part in instructional activities like baking sourdough or learning Mandarin.

“However, after finding out their kids aren’t going to be in school for the next 23 weeks they’ve suddenly started referring to the iPad as an ‘electronic educator’.

“They say Jasper and Olive will be using it for ‘online learning’ but by lunchtime they’ll have figured out the parental lock and they’ll be binge-watching Sons of Anarchy while their frantic parents ignore them completely.

“Screen time limits are a luxury of the wealthy. Since Tuesday we’ve joined Amazon Prime, subscribed to Disney+ and bought the kids a Nintendo Switch each.”