Saturday, 4th April 2020

Staying in not the new going out, nation discovers

DESPITE claims to the contrary, the country has realised that staying in does not compare to a night out.

Instead of sharing a pint with friends down the pub or hooking up with an attractive stranger in a nightclub, Britain’s self-isolating adults are spending the night in front of the TV and popping open their third tube of Pringles.

Tom Booker said: “Whenever I heard people say staying in was the new going out I always suspected they were deluded morons. And thanks to the pandemic I now know I was right all along.

“When you hit the town there’s no telling where you’ll end up. You could wake up next to the barmaid you’ve been making eyes at all evening, or in the gutter cradling a box of fried chicken. The world’s your oyster.

“Now I’m forced to stay in, I realise it mainly involves wearing a groove into the sofa and drunkenly browsing Netflix for hours while I ignore my partner, all of which I do during the week anyway.”