Staying in not the new going out, nation discovers

DESPITE claims to the contrary, the country has realised that staying in does not compare to a night out.

Instead of sharing a pint with friends down the pub or hooking up with an attractive stranger in a nightclub, Britain’s self-isolating adults are spending the night in front of the TV and popping open their third tube of Pringles.

Tom Booker said: “Whenever I heard people say staying in was the new going out I always suspected they were deluded morons. And thanks to the pandemic I now know I was right all along.

“When you hit the town there’s no telling where you’ll end up. You could wake up next to the barmaid you’ve been making eyes at all evening, or in the gutter cradling a box of fried chicken. The world’s your oyster.

“Now I’m forced to stay in, I realise it mainly involves wearing a groove into the sofa and drunkenly browsing Netflix for hours while I ignore my partner, all of which I do during the week anyway.”

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Five foreign language films you could watch but oh, you've just put on Friends again

THE TIME in self-isolation could be spent watching some of those great foreign language movies you’ve been meaning to see like, oh, you’ve put Friends on from the beginning instead.

The Seventh Seal

Ingmar Bergman’s classic tale is even more pertinent since the recent death of actor Max Von Sydow, but, oh, so you’re just going to watch them all from the very start? Again?

The Three Colours Trilogy

Kieślowski’s ode to France and to his home country of…seriously, haven’t we seen this episode at least 87 times? Still, Phoebe singing Smelly Cat never gets old.

La Dolce Vita

‘The Good Life,’ by the Maestro of cinema himself, Federico Fellini, is so relevant in the current… Hey, what ever happened to Adam Goldberg who played Chandler’s crazy roommate Eddie? And he was in Saving Private Ryan. He should definitely have been more famous.


One of Tarkovsky’s masterpieces… what? So Ross tried to kiss his own cousin and that was considered a viable storyline? No wonder millennials think this show is so f**ked up.


Perhaps Kurosawa’s finest work, a lamentation on the very nature of truth and… Joey wrapped a piece of ham around his cock and pretended it was a foreskin? Who wrote this? Caligula? What’s the next episode?