Adult kids treat mum to phone call telling her to stay inside for Mother's Day

THE CHILDREN of a 65-year-old woman are celebrating her years of selfless love by not going to see her this Mother’s Day.

Eleanor Shaw’s children have been in touch to say the best gift they can give her is no coronavirus which is why they all plan to ‘probably’ call her instead of visiting.

Shaw’s eldest son, Martin, said: “The best way to show Mum some love is to remind her that, at her age, she is one infected door handle away from certain death.

“We’ll lovingly tell her she’s not to leave the house for at least six months, and there’s no way we’re going to risk endangering her health by visiting her for the next year. It’s sad, but on the plus side it will really free up my weekends.

“I didn’t get round to sending a card but apparently the virus can live for up to a day on cardboard so I’ve probably saved her life, which is definitely how I’ll explain it when I send her a special Mother’s Day Whatsapp.”

Shaw said: “This is my favourite one since having children. No homemade cards, no thoughtless presents, and best of all, no kids. Happy f**king Mother’s Day to me.”

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School kid who didn't revise and prayed for a miracle scared of his own powers

A SCHOOLBOY who asked for divine intervention to get out of his GCSEs is in terrified awe of the trouble he has created.

Martin Bishop, aged 16, had been putting off his revision for months and decided to turn to divine intervention for some last-minute assistance.

He said: “I’m not the first to try it, and I won’t be the last either, but I didn’t expect it to actually f**king work.

“I thought the big guy would just rustle up a freak snowstorm during the summer so nobody could get to school, or at the worst unleash a plague of frogs like in the Book of Exodus.

“Even by Old Testament standards he’s gone a bit over the top by creating a global pandemic. And how come he chose to answer this prayer but ignored all those times I begged for a snog from Kelly in maths class?

“Still, I’ve only got myself to blame. In the future I’ll work a bit harder instead of invoking the terrible wrath of a higher being.”

God said: “It’s actually just a big coincidence but it’s been funny watching Martin have a meltdown about it.”