Five staycations you can still be a middle class show-off about

HAVE travel chaos and quarantine ruined your plans for a posh foreign holiday you can show off about? Here are some horribly bourgeois British alternatives. 

‘Glamping’ 

Your luxury yurt should be so spacious and well-equipped that it bears no resemblance to actual camping. Pretend you’re immersing yourself in nature by getting your kids to collect some twigs or something, then put the images on Facebook using your high-speed broadband before hopping in the 4×4 for another afternoon in a gastropub.

Just anywhere stupidly expensive 

Luckily hotels and campsites are hiking their prices ridiculously, so you’ll be able to show off about the cost of almost any holiday. Neglect to mention you’ve just paid £5000 for a week in a dilapidated caravan in Rhyl with a toilet in the living room giving off a constant mild aroma of poo.

One of Britain’s ‘best kept secret’ destinations

Show friends how discerning you are by finding a picturesque village less intelligent people have never heard of. Actually it’s been featured in the Sunday Times at least 500 times, so it’s about as secret as Blackpool, and the local economy is now entirely geared to twats like you with countless overpriced boutiques and four Waitroses.

Any kind of ‘retreat’

If you can’t impress friends with an expensive holiday, wrong-foot them by going cultural. Painting is good, but the best is a writers’ retreat. You’ll be able to brag about praise from your tutor and bore people with chapters from your unimaginative novel about a middle class man who goes to a writers’ retreat.

Foodie holidays 

Head for Cornwall and spend all your time in pricey Rick Stein restaurants, or droning on about it on social media. Your gushing accounts of fresh sea bream with fennel will distract from the fact that the only accommodation available was a grim Holiday Inn Express full of pisshead construction workers who are certainly expanding your children’s vocabularies.

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Men who bring guitars to the park 'worst people ever'

MEN who take their guitars to parks and play them are the worst people in existence, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that men who think it is acceptable to bring the instrument to spaces where people with ears are present may be evil.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There’s tough competition to be the worst people ever, what with dictators and murderers and so on, but amateur guitarists in parks came out top.

“We go to parks to relax and to have a nice time, so it takes a special kind of sociopath to subject innocent people to your rancid versions of ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ and ‘Wonderwall’.

“At least dictators and psychopaths are driven by some terrible ideology or internal evil. Men in parks with guitars have no such excuse for their piss-poor Led Zeppelin covers.

“Further tests need to be done, but I firmly believe they are incapable of human empathy. Or they may just be twats.”

Guitarist Josh Hudson said: “Enjoying the sound of birds tweeting and children playing? Don’t get used to it because I’m about to f**k it up with ‘Shape of You’.”