Five Sunday chores that make you long to be back at work

THE so-called ‘day of rest’ is actually the day of tedious chores, including these five tasks that make you yearn for the punishment of the daily grind:


Hoovering wouldn’t be so bad if you were cleaning up after a party but you’re just sucking up dust that’s sloughed off your horrible, flaking body during the week. Plus Henry’s smug, smiling face makes you feel like he’s following you around taking the piss. Roll on Monday morning when you’ll be free to get bollocked in a 1-2-1 meeting about your poor performance.

Food shopping

You could get your food shopping delivered, but then you’d have to wait for it at home, spend a certain amount, and they’ll f**k up half the items anyway. That’s why you’re spending your precious weekend trying to herd a shopping cart round Morrisons and filling it up with ready meals. Daydream about spreadsheets until you’re finally finished.

Doing the laundry

First you have to separate the colours and check the pockets. Then you need to fill up the detergent drawer and push some buttons. And that’s before you even factor in hanging up your laundry and ironing it. Make life easier by buying new clothes when your old ones start to smell of BO. Or even better, become a naturist.

Washing up

If you did this during the week it would only take a couple of minutes. But you’ve let seven days’ worth of dirty plates pile up and now all the food stains have become hard as diamonds and impossible to scrub off. You don’t get this sort of shit in the office, mainly because the cleaner you politely ignore washes everything for you.

Cleaning the bathroom

The final boss of Sunday chores. There’s tile grouting to scrub, a toilet to bleach, and an untidy cabinet full of verruca gel and cotton buds to put off sorting for another week. Just try to power through as quickly as possible, not everything can be as fun as compiling the Q1 sales report you’re now fantasising about.

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Woman adds splash of red wine while cooking so she can neck the bottle

A WOMAN has scoured her recipe books for a dish that requires a splash of red wine just so she has an excuse to drink the rest of the bottle.

Lauren Hewitt found a spaghetti bolognese that needed 50ml of red wine, knowing that it would allow her to neck the other 700ml and get pissed on a week night.

Hewitt said: “An authentic spaghetti bolognese requires red wine to intensify the flavour, so it was vital that I spent 10 minutes in Tesco picking out a bottle I really like.

“Yes, I substituted the rest of the complicated ingredients for a jar of Dolmio and a tub of cheap mince, but that’s why the wine is necessary. To elevate it. Nigella would do the same.

“And it’s nice to have a glass while I’m cooking, and then two glasses while I’m eating, and then polish the bottle off in front of the telly after. Otherwise it would just go to waste, despite the fact it’s a screw top and would actually keep for several days.

“Anyway it could be worse. I nearly decided to make penne alla vodka.”