EXHAUSTED and looking forward to an extra hour in bed? Here’s five reasons why it won’t happen this or any other weekend:
Call of nature
Once you’re over 40, that extra half a glass of beer before bed will return to haunt you at precisely 4.03am. The more you ignore it, the more pressing it gets, leading you to be up at half past five in the morning doomscrolling through the news whilst your annoying partner snores blissfully on.
Whether it’s a member of your shared house who has enthusiastically discovered sex again after lockdown or your kids fighting over whether to watch Adventure Time or trash the kitchen making pancakes, having other people there ruins any possibility of sleeping in. Consider locking them out the night before.
Signing for a neighbour’s package
Deciding to have a package delivered before 8am on a Sunday is stupid, but not waking up to receive it, necessitating the delivery driver to bang your door down instead, is infuriating. Sign for the package, go out for the day and then pop round at 3am the next morning to helpfully deliver it. Or chuck it in a hedge.
You love your best friend, but who comes round with a relationship crisis first thing in the morning? If they didn’t want to be told the reason they are perpetually single is because they are needy and inconsiderate, they should have come mid-afternoon when had time to drink a strong coffee and open a bottle of wine.
Power tool man
Every weekend morning, the man next door who has a worrying enthusiasm for power tools will find another part of his home to destroy and rebuild, dragging you from peaceful slumber into vivid imaginings of what you’ll do with his angle-grinder if he persists. Which he will, for the whole, miserable day.