Dad getting drunk for Father’s Day

A FATHER-OF-TWO has decided to celebrate Father’s Day by drinking from lunchtime onwards, he has confirmed. 

Joe Turner of Aylesbury thanked his children for their homemade cards and rudimentary gifts, then explained that what he really wanted to do to celebrate eight years of fatherhood was to get absolutely wrecked by 6pm.

He continued: “Open me a can, Tyler. Fetch the gin, Ruby. Today’s all about Dad.

“I may not like golf, racing cars or jet aeroplanes but, like all fathers, I love beer, sitting down and sloughing off all responsibility to get really, really mashed.

“I’ll be in this chair here downing the selection of high-strength ales you’ve bought me and I expect to laugh, to cry, to weep, to curse God, to babble incoherently and to wind up slumped on the floor whispering ‘Why?’

“Once I was a young man, carefree, unattached. Today I drink like that man and for that man, for he is long gone. Want to join me? Eight isn’t too young to start.”

Son Tyler said: “Dads are weird and useless generally. But this I think I can respect.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Couple glad they've got four more weeks of lockdown to blame relationship on

A COUPLE are glad to have a further four weeks blaming lockdown for the state of their relationship before facing the facts. 

Lauren Hewitt and Jack Browne have been locked down together throughout the pandemic and have really enjoyed believing that their constant rows and lack of sex are because of the straitened circumstances, not their fundamental incompatibility.

Hewitt said: “Such a shame Freedom Day’s off. No more restrictions on gatherings, no more social distancing, no more excuses. I think I’ve got a good idea how we’d have celebrated it.

“But sadly we won’t be reaching that point until July, so we’ve got an extra four weeks to pretend that the real reason I’ve stormed off halfway through Gogglebox is that I’m upset that gigs are still prohibited.”

Browne agreed: “There’s something about nightclub openings being postponed that really casts a cloud over our love. That’s why we’ve been fighting and sulking ever since last March.

“I’m sure everything will be alright by the time we reach July 19th. One way or another.”