Five things the chatty bastard on the train is going to talk to you about

ON a packed train you may be forced to sit next to a ‘talker’. Here’s what this psycho will be droning on about as they invade your personal space for the entire journey.

Their itinerary

After practically sitting on your lap, they launch straight into their schedule for the day. It’s a series of tedious personal errands, so naturally they describe them in excruciating detail, while drinking an energy drink and opening a bag of Pickled Onion Monster Munch. They offer you one. You don’t fancy it at 7.30am but more importantly you must not be indebted to them.

Their family

When they wrongly think they’ve built a rapport, they move onto their family. Their brothers and sisters are ‘no good’, one has ‘money problems’ and another likes a drink. The only one worth a damn is ‘dear old Mum’. She rings during the trip and they have a 10-minute row about a loan of £2. Their mobile phone is ancient. For some reason, their ringtone is Sex Bomb by Tom Jones.

Their job

After a thorough pry about your relationship status, gross salary and exact address, they describe the nightmare that is their job. Within minutes you have a vivid impression of what it’s like to work in the bakery section of a multinational supermarket and have heard enough horror stories to never eat bread again. The bosses are ‘idiots’ and there’s a jam doughnut theft problem you’re expected to be shocked and saddened about.

Their questionable views

They inevitably have weird opinions. Radio phone-in hot topics like political correctness, limp-wristed policing, pronouns and miscellaneous ‘foreigners’ all get an airing. You feebly try to distance yourself from the racist undertones by buying a KitKat from the trolley but they won’t let you. It’s too expensive and Nestle are part of a ‘wider government conspiracy’.

Their health

As you’re ‘friends’ now after 45 minutes’ acquaintance, they trust you to hear their entire medical history. Just as they’ve finished talking you through every lanced boil, drained cyst and inserted suppository you realise you’ve just missed your stop and you’ll have to sit through another hour of this shit before you can head back in the right direction.

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Truss and Charles deserve each other, nation agrees

THE UK has agreed that their idiot free-market zealot prime minister and their spoilt eco-warrior king thoroughly deserve each other’s company.

While agreeing that Charles III had every right to murmur ‘Dear oh dear’ on seeing Liz Truss arrive, members of the public felt she dreaded it equally and with good reason.

Carolyn Ryan of Colchester said: “They both feel entitled to do the most prestigious jobs in the country while being entirely unqualified and they’re both too blind to see it. It’s a match made in hell.

“She’ll blather on about growth and boosting business while failing to comprehend she’s achieving the complete opposite of her goals while he sits impatiently humouring the cretin.

“Then he’ll bang on about climate change and eco-villages while firmly opposing any wind or solar farms on the millions of acres he owns because he likes the countryside, while she sits nodding in incomprehension.

“The pair of them are entirely incapable of recognising any fault in their own visionary brilliance and blame the little people who don’t get it. A perfect meeting of inferior minds.

“They’ll do the same every week until we finally grow the balls to kick them both out. Which will never happen so ultimately it’s our fault, but at least we’re making them suffer each other’s tedious company.”