Google the number instead of answering it: How to handle phone calls in the modern age

IN the old days, a phone call was a pleasant diversion, but now you’re actively afraid of answering. Here’s how to handle it.

Ignore it

Chances are your phone is on silent, so you might miss it by accident. But if you see a number you don’t recognise, don’t answer, even though there might be an emergency that you need to get to quickly. Ignore it and hope they never, ever ring back. What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

Google the number instead of answering

Okay, so if they do call back, still don’t answer it. Instead, open your laptop and type the number into Google. The chances are 4,000 other people have done the same thing and you find out it’s from a foreign call centre trying to sell you a website for the business you don’t have. Congratulate yourself for not being tricked.

Brace yourself to be scammed

A number keeps calling so you decide to answer in case it’s important. You brace yourself to hear someone trying to scare the living shit out of you by claiming to be HMRC and saying you owe £3,000 in tax and the police are on their way. You answer the call with ‘F**k off, scumbag’, before realising it’s your boss on a different extension.

Block everyone

If you don’t recognise a number, don’t even fanny around googling it, just block it immediately. Yes, you might lose the chance to date that person you tipsily gave your number to and then forgot about it, who could have been your soulmate, but at least you won’t have to risk speaking to a stranger on the phone.

Smash your phone

If you really can’t bear it anymore, just smash up your phone. Most of your communication takes place on Instagram or Facebook nowadays anyway, and you can do that on your laptop. Enjoy the blissful peace of never having to listen to another unsolicited human voice again.

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Peeling back the plastic on a cucumber, and five other homoerotic experiences straight men can enjoy

IF you’re a heterosexual man, you may foolishly believe homoerotic experiences are not for you. But these incredibly gay day-to-day activities can give the even the straightest men a sexual thrill.  

Peeling back the plastic on a cucumber

Any straight man who’s rolled back the plastic film on a ripe, eight-inch cucumber understands the exciting and challenging feelings the task provokes. The trick is to enjoy how it feels without thinking about it too much – then put the cucumber away and pretend it never happened.

Riding pillion on a motorbike

Grasping the firm torso of another man from behind is about as homoerotic as it gets. The added thrill of being on a motorbike – not to mention the vibrations of the engine – makes this one an absolute must for any open-minded straight guy. It’s a sensory buffet. Grip that waist extra hard on corners, it’s purely for safety.

Eating a banana/ice lolly/hot dog

Eating food that’s shaped like a penis is about as close as you can get to giving a man oral sex without giving a man oral sex. And it just so happens that a lot of phallic food is really delicious. Does your love of hot dogs reveal something about your sexuality? Who cares. A mouthful of manly meat feels so right.

Watching an action film

A huge number of action films – particularly those from the 80s and 90s – are virtually indistinguishable from gay pornography. Rewatch any classic movie with Schwarzenegger, Stallone or Van Damme and you’ll realise they’re all actually just 90-minute celebrations of the male form. There’s usually a token woman, but she’s just there for gay guys in denial.

Playing basically any sport

It’s hard to deny most sports have some pretty heavily gay overtones. First a bunch of chiselled, athletic men roll around on some grass, then they have a shower together. Despite this, sport is inexplicably considered heterosexual and macho – when in fact everyone playing or spectating is clearly 100 per cent homosexual.

Hanging out with other men

What could be more gay than a bunch of men hanging out together? The possibilities are endless. And, at the end of the day, what’s a handjob between friends? It’s not really gay if you’re just doing it for a laugh.