Kwasi Kwarteng's foolproof guide to personal finance

GOT a lump sum you want to invest? Unsure about which ISA to get? Here Kwasi Kwarteng answers your personal finance questions using his vast expertise.

How can I invest my savings with low or zero risk?

The obvious option is a high-interest savings account. But a hacker could easily download all the money from a major bank, so I’d keep your savings under your mattress. For even greater security, dig a hole in a field and bury them, but make sure no one sees you.

Should I invest in cryptocurrency? 

Yes yes yes! Crypto is guaranteed to make you a billionaire so go all in! Remortgage your house and borrow money from friends and family and spend it all on Bitcoin. I put £89,000 into crypto that’s currently worth £0, but that’s just a blip in the market.

What is your advice on investing in shares?

In these precarious times, I’d only buy shares in solid, reliable businesses like obscure internet start-ups. I’ve just bought 1,200 shares in Bongle, a new company that delivers gourmet meals for pet alpacas. It’s a totally untapped market.

Should I pay down my debts or save for retirement?

Debts every time. I saw a story on the internet about a woman who got trampled to death by cows. Cows! Just goes to show, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. She was only 41, so a fat lot of good her pension did her. I wouldn’t bother with a pension at all. It’s not like you’ll enjoy spending the money when you’re old and decrepit.

I’m fairly healthy. Is there any point in getting life insurance?

No. In fact it may hasten your death if you meet someone and they murder you and make it look like an accident. I’ve seen The Postman Always Rings Twice

I’m self-employed and worried I’ve been paying too much tax. What should I do?

Don’t spend a modest sum on an accountant. As a libertarian I believe all tax is wrong, so simply refuse to pay it. Obviously HMRC will try to extort money from you, so get some assault rifles by mail order from the States. Then when the bailiffs turn up barricade yourself in and shout ‘I am a free man, not a tax slave!’ and fire a few warning shots. That should be the end of the matter.

Are government bonds a good investment?

Yes, the Bank of England can’t get enough of them thanks to my visionary policy of massive unfunded tax cuts. It’s good that someone appreciates my financial genius.

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Therapy an absolute must, say people it doesn't appear to have helped

PEOPLE who have not benefited from therapy insist it is something everybody should try, it has emerged.

Despite still being as anxious and paranoid as before, neurotic whingers who have been through therapy are convinced it is transformative and that even happy and well-adjusted people should give it a go.

Therapy attendee Jack Browne said: “Talking to a professional once a week has helped with my mood swings. I used to get them all the f**king time which pissed me off. Now they’re gone and I feel amazing!

“If you’re on the fence about it, try a consultation session and see how you go. It’s totally chill. And if you don’t I’ll break your legs for being a stupid twat who doesn’t care about their mental wellbeing. How’s that for incentive?”

Over-thinker Emma Bradford said: “My therapist has turned my life around. Or have they? Maybe I would have made all these personal revelations by myself? Perhaps it’s all a load of nonsense like astrology. Who knows.”

Counsellor Helen Archer said: “Therapy is absolutely something you should do, as a job. I make 50 quid an hour sitting on my arse. It’s easy money.”