Women love being called 'girls' at work

DESPITE claims to the contrary, women love to be referred to as ‘girls’ in the workplace, it has been confirmed.

Adult women in all industries dislike titles that make them seem unflatteringly old, and would much rather their male colleagues and superiors refer to them by something more youthful.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “When I started here this place had a toxic atmosphere. Men would call me by my name or, even worse, ask me for my preferred title. I felt like a withered old hag.

“I talked to the birds from HR and a dolly from the canteen and we all agreed enough was enough. We bravely stood up for our rights and demanded to be referred to as one group, like a class of incontinent toddlers.

“Miraculously, it worked. Now the men call us ‘girls’, place their hands on our lower backs when they want us to move out of their way and take credit for our ideas, which is exactly what we wanted. We feel young again.”

Boss Stephen Malley said: “I always listen to the girls’ demands. Also, it means I don’t have to be arsed to remember all those silly female names.”

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Britain wonders what it will take for Truss to realise she's f**ked it

THE UK is wondering at what point Liz Truss will come to the long-overdue realisation that she has completely f**ked it.

As the country approaches the end of a third week of financial turmoil, the Bank of England announces pension funds will collapse from Friday and Britain enters recession, ordinary people are speculating on when the prime minister will notice she is doing a bad job.

Nathan Muir of Hounslow said: “We’ve lost our credit rating, can’t give gilts away, and the anti-growth coalition now encompasses the world. So I’m saying another six months.

“This is a woman who locked reality in the attic of her mind long ago and is deaf to its screams. Did you see her speech? She’s seriously waiting for us to wake up to how great she is.

“My money’s on interest rates of 16 per cent, a three-day working week with four-day blackouts, a general strike and King Charles telling her to f**k off to her face. At the minimum.”

But Donna Sheridan said: “Nah, she’d shrug all that off and blame it on the anti-Brexit faction. I reckon the first misgiving will be when the EU starts airdrops of food, Scotland secedes and they mine the channel to stop us all fleeing.”

Truss said: “Let me settle this. I will never, ever realise I have f**ked it.”