Five wake-up hacks to get your day off to the worst possible start

HATE mornings? Want to extend that feeling to the rest of the day? These tried-and-tested methods will ruin the whole week: 

Alarm out of reach

Too easy on the snooze button? Pop your alarm on the far side of the room and you’ll wake up wanting to travel back in time and murder your past self. There’s nothing like stubbing your toe stumbling across a dark bedroom and knocking your still-ringing phone down the back of a chest of drawers to f**k everything up.

Plan a run

Planning to go for a run ensures you start your day guilty as shit as you decide the weather’s a bit iffy and linger over a third bowl of Coco Pops. So you set your alarm even earlier the next day, determined to put things right, and don’t go then either, and the cycle of self-hatred rolls on and on.

Cold shower

Many of the world’s masochistic Nordic peoples swear by cold showers to get the blood pumping. You’ll scream higher than a fox getting laid and spend the day with unrinsed shampoo in your hair because you could not stay under a second longer.


Meditating is a game of chicken with sleep at any time, and dangerous fresh out of bed. If you’re still in bed, repeating your mantra lying down with the curtains closed, you’ll surface to find you’ve missed your train, all your morning meetings, two lunch dates and picking up the kids from school.

Five coffees

Morning coffee not providing results? Why not keep topping up? One at home, one on the walk to the train, one on the train, one out the other end, one on arrival at work. You’ll have started three fights before you’ve even opened your inbox.

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Five things that should no way be that bloody expensive

INFLATION is skyrocketing, which is bad news for those household items that are guttingly expensive. Which are you digging deep for?

Dishwasher tablets

Are Fairy Platinum actually made of f**king platinum? Is that pearl in the middle from the depths of the ocean? Dishwasher tablets should cost £1.99, maximum, not £12 a bag. And reducing them to £10 doesn’t count as being on ‘special offer’.


You have a choice: pound shop batteries which last a fortnight maximum even in the TV remote, proving yourself cheap, earth-trashing scum; or insanely expensive rechargeable that take days to power up and run out of juice faster than the crap ones. Either way, the consumer is the loser.

Pine nuts

Normal nuts retail at 49p. Pine nuts cost £5.99 for a minuscule bag. Presumably this is because they’re individually picked by specially-trained squirrels, and get their shine from being polished by master carpenters who are also squirrels. Otherwise this price is a piss-take.

Oat milk

Oats, swirled around in water, sold to you as a triumph of marketing over facts. You could make your own for a fraction of the price by soaking your porridge pan in the sink then drinking the dregs. Or you could just buy bloody dairy and stop claiming other things can be milked.

Cat food

Even if they were filled with fillets of perfectly cooked steak, which they’re not, no pouch of cat food can justify £4.99. But the manufacturers know you will pay anything to make your cat like you, and that you’ll keep paying it forever because your cat never will.