Five ways to escape from Center Parcs

DO you find yourself imprisoned in a family holiday at Center Parcs every year? Here are some tried-and-tested escape methods.

Mysteriously vanish from the rapids

One of the only places you’ll ever find yourself alone is the Wild Water Rapids. Clamber out and flee through the forest until you emerge half naked and wild-eyed onto an A-road to scare some passing motorists.

Steal a bike and jump the fence

Just like Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, except you’ll be on a junior mountain bike and the Nazis who ultimately foil your brave attempt will be some equally sinister Center Parcs staff.

Get rushed to hospital

The pool area is constantly rammed with kids, making it easy to either catch some hideous disease or drown a bit before the lifeguard notices. Insist on an ambulance and make your way to freedom.

Go full Shawshank

Steal a spoon from the mediocre restaurant when no one is looking and start digging at night. It will take a full 19 years to tunnel out but it will be worth it to never suffer the Crazy Bingo Game again.

Start a fire

Apart from the swimming pool, pretty much everything at Center Parcs is made of wood. An ‘innocent’ tiny bonfire could easily rage out of control, allowing you and other inmates to legitimately leg it.

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BMW drivers facing speed limiters promise they'll still be wankers

BMW drivers have assured the public that speed limiting technology will not stop them being tossers on the roads.

By 2022 speed limiters could force motorists to stay within the law, but owners of big, ostentatious BMWs say they have plenty of other tricks up their sleeves.

BMW 5 Series owner Stephen Malley said: “They may take our speed away but that doesn’t mean we stop owning the road.

“We can cut you off, drive right up your arse and pull away at traffic lights like we’re trying to achieve Mach 1. Or there’s simply looking like an arrogant arse as we cruise past your shitty little car on the motorway.

“I’ll only admit defeat when technology stops me cranking up the stereo so loud everyone on the high street can hear The Best of Genesis.”

An RAC spokesman said: “Speed limiters aren’t a magic solution to BMW drivers. We could ban BMWs but then the bastards would just buy an Audi.”