Five ways to remember what you came upstairs for

DONE it again? Got to the top of the stairs and realised you don’t know why you’re there? Here are five ways to avoid feeling like a dotty old gran.

Ask your partner

Explain to your partner why you’re going upstairs, then when you arrive and inevitably forget, simply shout and ask. Slightly embarrassing if your plan was stink out the loo. There’s also a risk they’ll think you’ve turned into an old codger. If they start serving you a bowl of mushed-up banana when the rest of the family is having fried chicken, look for another aide-memoire.

Use a paper plane

Learn to fold an airworthy paper plane that doesn’t immediately nosedive. Write your reason for leaving the ground floor on it and throw the plane upstairs. The message must be visible when the paper is folded, or when found at the top of the stairs you’ll have no idea what it’s for, like in the film Memento. But less exciting.

Adapt a song

Pick a song you know well and adapt the lyrics to your needs. For example, Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin: ‘And I’m climbing the stairway to those AA batteries.’ Just don’t forget why you’re doing it and revert to the original lyrics. Also it may ruin your favourite songs, eg. ‘I know a girl from a lonely street / She’s getting warm socks to put on her feet’.

Train a dog

Blind people have guide dogs, you have a ‘memory dog’. You can probably train a dog to bark at your phone you left suicidally perched on the cistern, but more complicated reminders could be tricky. A dog will willingly retrieve a thrown stick hundreds of times, the idiot, but it won’t be able to say, ‘You were getting the ancient fairy lights in a shoe box on top of the wardrobe. They’re a f**king fire hazard, buy some new ones you tight bastard.’

Move everything downstairs

Save effort by moving everything downstairs, leaving basic biological needs the only thing you climb the stairs for. The living room will look like a hoarder’s junk collection, but your spouse moving out will free up some space. Alternatively, move into a bungalow. You might like it after you’ve stopped freaking out because you can’t remember where the stairs are.

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Sorry nurses, until you stop striking I won't find you sexy

By Roy Hobbs

SO nurses are going on strike. Well so am I. While they’re being leftie troublemakers I won’t be fantasising about their tight, sexy uniforms with stockings and suspenders underneath.

Nurses are a great British wank fantasy, like Barbara Windsor in Carry On Doctor, or Joanne Whalley in The Singing Detective. Lucky old Dennis Potter with his crippling psoriasis. But now nurses’ heads are full of politics I may as well be having a tug over Mick Lynch.

I should have seen the rot setting in. Last time I was in hospital with my chronic flatulence, quite a few nurses were fat, which is hypocritical when you’re trying to make patients healthy. And all of them were wearing trousers, I suppose to try and feel as important as men. 

I’d like to see nurses back in skirts with a glimpse of suspenders and their dainty little hats. Luckily we have a Tory government, so that’s exactly the sort of irrelevant, ‘traditional’ policy we can expect.

Going on strike just decreases their attractiveness. All this left-wing sloganeering is more befitting of a communist union firebrand than a health professional. No one wants Arthur Scargill sticking his finger up your bum. 

This dispute must be settled, and quickly. Obviously we can’t pay nurses more, because they’re just nurses who collect bedpans and so on, but we could give them perks that make them rediscover their femininity, such as a discount on make-up or a kitten petting zoo.

Better still, put them on sexiness-related pay. An absolutely gorgeous nurse like Kate Beckinsale in Pearl Harbor would get a bonus by docking the salary of a plain, frumpy nurse like Florence Nightingale. (I don’t see why they’re so upset about pay anyway – they’ve got food banks, haven’t they?)

Above all, the patient must come first. Some may need constant monitoring, some may need a special diet, and some may want a good perv over your tits. So get back to work, nurses, and show you really are a caring profession when it comes to me having a wank.