WEEKENDS can seem fun, but for the childless they’re really just long, boring days to shop through until the acceptable time to start drinking.
But for those not prepared to admit it, here’s a list of fun weekend things to do that will end with all parents present circling you armed with sharpened stones.
Petting zoo: Everyone loves animals, and yes, technically there’s nothing odd about being here alone. But notice the 15ft-circle of space around you. Notice mums clutch their toddlers as you draw near. Notice nobody wants to pet the animals after you’ve touched them.
Pottery: Sure, it’s fun to express your artistic side. Yes, your plate is better than everyone else’s and painted with a steadier hand, but when you realise everyone else is aged seven, it’s hard to see that plate on the wall with anything but shame.
Museum: Childless adults come in here all the time, of course. In the week. Not during school holidays. Doing proper research, not trying to show off extensive dinosaur knowledge and consequently being followed from room to room by a security guard.
Water park: There’s no actual rule against you riding the slides and shrieking around the river rapids alone in your skimpy trunks. But the staff here, and the heavily-tattooed fathers of the children staring at you, certainly seem to believe there’s an unwritten one.
Ball pool: So many colours! You could make your whole flat into one of these! And at least there you’d be alone, not circled by children who just happen to keep throwing piss-tainted balls directly into your face and laughing!