OFF to the park to enjoy the weather, only to discover people have claimed all the space because they’re more important than you? Here are their devious methods:
Frisbee
Friends tossing a frisbee to each other is an iconic summer image. Only no one can enjoy the park because their erratic hurling and mindless labrador-like chasing puts park space off-limits unless you want to be trampled or twatted by an out-of-control Tupperware saucer. If you want to throw something, try yourselves into the boating lake.
Picnic rug
You’ve seen a nice spot of grass to sit on, but an extended family of professional picnickers suddenly spreads out the Bayeux Tapestry of rugs for an extravagant open-air banquet. With hampers, cool boxes, folding furniture and a gazebo encircling the feast, half an acre of parkland has been annexed. Why not plant a f**king flag and claim sovereignty, your majesties?
Disposable barbecue
On a nice day it’s refreshing to inhale the warm invigorating air, unless a crew of carnivores plant their stinking foil fire-pit next to you. Soon everyone nearby will be driven away by the stench of smoke, grease and charred, minced pig bollocks. And the only way to remove the odour is rubbing yourselves down with the Magic Tree from the car.
Sporting equipment
The easiest way for bastards to ringfence parkland for their own selfish needs is to hoof a football around. As makeshift goalposts are put in place, parkgoers will automatically begin protecting open cans, bottles and children. This also works with rounders, cricket and the magic-free version of Quidditch Harry Potter fans have invented, because when you’re into children’s books aged 35 presumably you are beyond embarrassment.
Kite
As well as being fun until you get sick of relaunching the damn thing every 30 seconds, a kite has the bonus of attracting attention to yourself as other people stare nervously in anticipation of being divebombed by a huge cellophane flying-V or a picture of the Hulk on massive struts. Delightful in theory, in practice a more effective people-scatterer than a Stuka.
Anything from the middle aisle
Many twatty middle-aisle toys help bastards carve out a large slice of ego territory. Remote-control cars, water blasters, boomerangs and drones are particularly suitable for making others lose enjoyment of the park. Although the most effective tactic is still parading into green space with multiple special-offer boxes of Stella Artois and Bluetooth speakers, soon to be followed by frequently wandering off to piss nearby. Job done.
