Furloughed man with no kids and a garden living like a f**king king

A MAN on 80 per cent pay with no kids and a spacious garden is living like the f**king king of lockdown, he has confirmed. 

Joseph Turner of Dorking is being paid to sit in the sun all day then wasting his evenings playing Overwatch without fear of reproach, and feels like he has ‘won the lockdown lottery’.

He continued: “I don’t want to seem insensitive, because I know how hard it is for frontline workers and all that, but this is like England winning the World Cup for me.

“When work told me I was furloughed I punched the air, changed into some shorts, and started soaking up some rays.

“Now I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. My daily routine is waking up mid-afternoon, getting wasted in the garden, and more masturbation than the body can handle.

“My hedonistic lifestyle is being bankrolled by taxpayers. It’s like being a student again.

“A lot of people have got it worse off than me. Nearly everybody. Mimosa for breakfast? Why not. Let the good times roll.”

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Is Boris Johnson a hoax?

BORIS Johnson is – supposedly – the prime minister. But is the entire thing just a hoax played on a guillible country? These are the clues: 

Absent a lot

‘BoJo’, as some know him, followed the election with a long break in Mustique, then spent ten days off in the country before Brexit, and is now holed up in Chequers for a month. Is he resting, as actors do, while planning how next to lead us up the garden path?


The Tory leader has never truly convinced much of the British public and Europe saw straight through him. Even the Italians, who elected a comedian, hung up on him every time he called, dismissing him as a Lithuanian radio DJ making an unfunny prank call.

Doesn’t really do anything

Like another character once beloved of Britain, Mr Blobby, Boris comes in, says his catchphrases, staggers around breaking things and once had a novelty Christmas number one. But he doesn’t actually do anything per se.

Whole thing not really credible

The porky scarecrow off Have I Got News For You, prime minister? A hardcore Brexiter who wrote a column about how bad Brexit would be then sent in the opposite one? A stumbling, philandering clown? Come off it.

It would be funny

We Brits like a laugh more than anyone. And let’s face it, it would be f**king hilarious.