Friday, 4th December 2020

Furloughed man with no kids and a garden living like a f**king king

A MAN on 80 per cent pay with no kids and a spacious garden is living like the f**king king of lockdown, he has confirmed. 

Joseph Turner of Dorking is being paid to sit in the sun all day then wasting his evenings playing Overwatch without fear of reproach, and feels like he has ‘won the lockdown lottery’.

He continued: “I don’t want to seem insensitive, because I know how hard it is for frontline workers and all that, but this is like England winning the World Cup for me.

“When work told me I was furloughed I punched the air, changed into some shorts, and started soaking up some rays.

“Now I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. My daily routine is waking up mid-afternoon, getting wasted in the garden, and more masturbation than the body can handle.

“My hedonistic lifestyle is being bankrolled by taxpayers. It’s like being a student again.

“A lot of people have got it worse off than me. Nearly everybody. Mimosa for breakfast? Why not. Let the good times roll.”