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Gap Year Land opens near Tenby

A NEW theme park will offer juggling, weed-smoking and infectious diseases to students unable to afford to take a year out.

With university approaching for many young people, Gap Year Land, near Tenby train station in South West Wales, offers the gap year experience in a single, affordable day.

Spokesperson Emma Bradford said: “Set in a vast temperature-controlled plexiglass dome, the attraction is themed around ‘Gapnadesh’, a fictional country in the developing world that is cheap, hot and somehow ‘spiritual’.

“Students can enjoy stilted conversations with culturally-stereotyped locals, smoke chillums with a dreadlocked fruitarian whose parents own Scotland and pick up a devastating intestinal parasite from the attraction’s own-brand ‘Infecto’ drinking water.

“The park’s headline attraction is Very Dangerous Bus Journey, a breakneck ride along a near-vertical polystyrene mountain track in an overcrowded vintage bus driven by a sleep-deprived man who appears to be muttering a prayer.

“It really is a complete gap year and more for young people who can’t afford a lengthy foreign trip but still want to experience illness, sexual opportunism and falling to their death in a ravine.”

Rough Guide writer Martin Bishop, given a sneak preview, said: “It’s amazing. The actors playing poor people really look malnourished, and you certainly wouldn’t get to haggle over a 12p rickshaw fare at Thorpe Park.”

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Nothing said after five drinks counts, scientists agree

INSULTS, flirtations and generally talking bollocks are all null and void after a fifth drink has been consumed, scientists have confirmed.

Due to the high level of alcohol in a person’s system at around five drinks, scientists feel it is important to disregard everything they say and not remember it or hold it against them at a later date.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Remember that time your emotionally distant dad said he loved you? That was five drinks talking. You never did get that puppy, did you?

“After a person consumes their fifth drink they pass what toxicologists call the ‘Bullshit Threshold’. Even a small amount of alcohol puts you over the limit for driving, so a dozen or so units means you can’t be trusted to ‘steer’ your brain and tongue. That’s just good science. 

“Therefore any comments made after five pints, whether it’s a sudden and inappropriate attempt to chat up a colleague, or an embarrassing outpouring of praise for someone you barely know, is invalid and did not happen.

“As always there’s an exception to the rule. Angry drunks say exactly what they mean and you should stay even further away from them.”

Drinker Tom Logan said: “You’re a great guy. Seriously, one of the best. I think you might be my best mate. No, blood brothers. What’s your name again?”

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