Hair grows everywhere on man except head

A MAN is dismayed that hair is sprouting from every orifice and inch of his body except the one place he wants it to. 

Tom Logan suffered from male pattern baldness from his late 20s onwards and has tried every treatment available to restore his former growth, including travelling to Cumbria to have his pate licked by a cow.

Logan said: “Nothing has worked. Hair stubbornly refuses to grow on my head whilst blooming luxuriously from my nostrils, ears, on and between my buttocks and all across my back.

“It also grows on the tops of my shoulders, which is just creepy. I wouldn’t be surprised if it starting growing on my palms. It’s ridiculous. It’s unwanted. I feel like my own body is trolling me.

“I’ve tried shampoos, massages, sprays and even bloody crystals to get a bit of head hair back. I can’t afford a transplant, so it’s starting to feel like the only option is to shave my whole body, cover my head in glue and stick it all on.”

Girlfriend Donna Sheridan said: “I think Tom looks gorgeous without hair, but I fully support all his efforts to make it grow back. Apart from the cow thing. That was weird.”

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Owen Paterson keeping his other jobs

OWEN Paterson has resigned his position as an MP while keeping the job he got in trouble for that earned him half-a-million pounds. 

The former member for Shropshire North has been forced to end his glittering political career by cruel malcontents, with only the minor consolation of his lucrative lobbying work.

He said: “The government risked its whole reputation to save me from a 30-day suspension before changing its mind. They could have tried harder but their loss.

“This means I will lose my MP’s salary of £81,932, which will be a severe blow, while keeping my consulting positions with Randox and Lynn’s Country Foods which earn me a mere £120k a year for six weeks’ work. I’ve been sorely punished.

“I will remain a public servant and will serve the public by taking on even more consultancies and lobbying government, but for vastly more money, and less hassle.

“I will also earn shitloads giving rabidly pro-Brexit speeches, but I hope not to end up as the leader of UKIP. Boris will have me in the Lords before a year’s out. They’re in dire need of more nutters.”