Hairdresser actually f**king listens and cuts hair the way they were f**king told

A HAIRDRESSER has cut a customer’s hair the way they were asked to, it has been confirmed.

Stephen Malley asked a hairdresser for “just a trim, don’t take too much off”‘ and was left confused when his instructions were followed exactly.

He said: “Despite me being the foremost world authority on my own hair, my wishes are always ignored by hair-cutting professionals. When I say ‘just a trim please’ they instead seem to hear ‘go at it like it’s from a rival postcode gang’”

“So I don’t understand what happened this time. One moment I ask for a specific haircut, the next… I’ve got that specific haircut. It’s just not right.

“I actually missed having to feign happiness at the end result. I’d got quite good at hiding from hairdressers that what they’d done made me feel dead inside.”

He added: “I’m beginning to think whoever cut my hair properly wasn’t a real hairdresser at all, but an escaped convict who’d murdered a barber and assumed his identity.”

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Big tubs of chocolates right at front of supermarket just for no reason

TUBS of Heroes and Celebrations have been placed right by the entrance of every supermarket just in case you fancy them for whatever reason, say retailers. 

The tubs, piled high and competitively priced, are not there in preparation for any kind of festival of consumption which is too far away to even mention but just because.

Morrisons store manager Nathan Muir said: “No big deal. Just some chocolates that you can put in a cupboard until such time as they come in handy.

“Nobody’s bringing the name of any kind of annual event into play here. Not with Halloween still in play. But if you, y’know, ‘need’ a tub of Roses we’re here.

“Hey, the last thing I want to do is panic anyone. And no need, what with these tubs being piled high. I’m sure you’ll be able to get your favourites no problem when the time comes.”

Muir added in a whisper: “That woman there just bought five tubs of Quality Street. What if they’re gone by December! It’ll ruin you-know-what!”