If the economy's so f**king great, why I am skint? asks Britain

BRITONS are struggling to understand why good economic news keeps coming out but their personal finances are still up shit creek.

After wages rose faster than expected, many people are wondering when all the positive trends will lead to something actually useful like being able to buy a house.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Some people’s wages might have gone up, but mine haven’t. I might write to the economists and let them know about that.

“In fact I’m always struggling to pay my ludicrous rent. And the 0.5 percent difference between wages and inflation isn’t making a massive hole in my £38,000 student debt.

“It’s almost as if there might be bigger problems for people than small economic fluctuations. But I’m not a BBC journalist so I’m probably talking out of my arse.”

Retail assistant Donna Sheridan said: “I shouldn’t complain because lower inflation does mean I’ve got more money. On Saturday I’m going to get absolutely wankered on that extra £1.30.”

Economist Martin Bishop said: “What we’re seeing here is a complex macroeconomic phenomenon known as ‘reporting figures without any real context because you can’t be arsed’.”

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Pub improves smoking area by adding walls, roof, toilets and bar

A PUB has revamped its smoking area by adding walls, a roof and a bar selling beer.

The Red Lion in Norwich made the changes in response to customer criticism that facilities for smokers were just an unspecified area broadly described as ‘outside’.

Landlord Wayne Hayes said: “This new smoking area has welcoming features like four walls, bathrooms, comfortable chairs and windows with a sticker from the Egon Ronay guide.

“We think our smoking customers might enjoy feeling more like valued patrons rather than a pack of scabby pariah dogs forced to linger around a drain.”

Smoker Tom Logan said: “It’s great to have the area refurbished a bit. The best bit is there’s even a machine that sells fags.”

Hayes added: “I’m thinking of building a shitty little patio out the back for people who want to vape.”