How to be a big tough man about wearing a mask

MEN are apparently less likely to wear a face mask because it’s seen as a sign of weakness. Here’s how to wear one in a super-butch masculine way.

Choose one that looks like it’s from a post-apocalyptic horror film

Cloth masks are for pussies. Real men wear masks that look as if they would allow them to search for survivors in the barren wasteland after a nuclear strike, rather than pop to Morrisons for a bag of frozen peas.

Pretend you’re really pissed off about it

In 1983, when people thought wearing seatbelts made them look like big sissies, they could blame the law. Sadly that doesn’t apply to masks, but you can frown and roll your eyes so everyone knows you’re only wearing one under the duress of your partner who – wimpily – doesn’t want her elderly parents to die.

Wear a mask made of camouflage material

If your mask has khaki patterns that suggest you’ve just finished a military exercise, people will think you’re tough. Or they may think you’re a virgin who lives with their mum and has a lot of SAS books and sad fantasies. See also: black masks you think make you look like a ninja.

Tell anyone who will listen you’re doing it for others

If being angry doesn’t suit, try acting like a big, magnanimous hero instead. You’re taking one for the team and saving a few lives on the way. You’re basically Superman, but without several unnecessarily gloomy films about you.

Don’t bother and catch coronavirus

Don’t bow to the pressure of snowflakes. Chuck that mask in the bin and go round Tesco breathing hard and touching all the surfaces. Because there’s nothing the ladies like more than a guy with a severe respiratory disease who is also a wanker.

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Track-and-trace 'a faff', government admits

THE government has admitted it has not put track-and-trace systems in place because they sound too much like hard work. 

A Department of Health spokesperson confirmed that tracking and tracing, which has stopped the spread of the virus in other countries, is basically an admin nightmare that nobody in Whitehall wanted to touch. 

He continued: “We haven’t brought it in for the exact same reason that we dropped it back in March – it’s a pain in the arse. 

“Who’s this person met and where’ve they been, then the people they’ve met, then the people they’ve met and so on. It never f**king ends. 

“This is a Boris administration. It doesn’t do complicated. His exact words were, ‘I can’t even be bothered to call women I’ve been shagging if I can’t be arsed to pop round, so I’m not keeping tabs on the whole nation.’

“Instead we’re waiting for something easy like a quick injection with a big syringe. Simple solutions, that’s what this government’s a fan of. 

“And in that vein, get ready for a nice clean no-deal Brexit. Trade agreements are a right load of bollocking about.”