Why you can't have universal basic income, by Rishi Sunak

FREE cash for all with no questions asked would make everyone’s life easier right now. Here chancellor Rishi Sunak explains why it’s a terrible idea and you mustn’t have it.

Money is actually bad for you

Coins are tiny so they’re a real choking hazard for kids, and even an adult could slip on a plastic banknote like a banana peel. By keeping it out of your clumsy hands I’m actually doing you a big favour. You’re welcome.

You won’t spend it on the right things

Poor people tend to spunk their money up the wall on inessential items like cigarettes, tins of food and shelter. Why can’t you spend it on something sensible like the stock market? Then you’d have lots of money, you stupid bastards.

There are too many of you

We could probably shell out some spare change for 12 people, tops, but there’s 67 million of you. Don’t worry, we’re working hard to bring that number down day by day with our rudderless leadership during the pandemic.

The best things in life are free

The most important things in the world don’t cost a penny. You can’t put a price on falling in love, for example, which is why I married the daughter of an Indian billionaire. Try it yourself and watch your money worries disappear.

Loans are more profitable

Not for you, obviously. However the banks will be able to bleed you dry over the course of years which will be great for the financial sector. You’ll be doing your bit for the economy, so, chin up!


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Mum's blood runs cold as she remembers the school run

THE thought of driving her children to school again is terrifying a woman more than the coronavirus.

Mum-of-two Carolyn Ryan had to lie down in a darkened room as she remembered the ordeal of herding her kids into her Skoda Scala and weaving through rush hour traffic five times a week.

Ryan said: “It’s not just the driving that terrifies me. You’ve got to wake the little buggers up, wrestle them into their uniforms, then shove cereal into their mouths. Giving medicine to a cat is easier.

“Getting the pair of them into the car on time is practically impossible too. I’m thinking of hurling the Nintendo Switch onto the back seat to see if they race after it like dogs fetching a stick.

“They’re not going to learn anything over the next few weeks anyway. If we can just ride this out until the summer holidays there’s a chance I won’t have to think about the school run again until October.”

When she realised this would involve her kids staying at home all day every day for the next four months, Ryan pulled her duvet over her head and reached for one of many bottles of wine hidden around her house.