How to be a high-maintenance houseguest

STAYING at someone’s house and want to make the experience hell for them? Here’s how:

Announce you’re an early riser

Nothing will make your host’s heart sink faster than announcing that you like to be up and about by 7am – yes, even at the weekend. Insist otherwise just for the cruelty, but they’ll feel obliged to set their alarm and cook you breakfast. Tip them over the edge with an impromptu lie-in.

Be a fussy eater

The reasons behind your dietary choices don’t matter. They can be medical, moral or simply made-up. By stipulating your requirements well in advance, your host will be forced to stock up on specialist ingredients for your arrival, and when you cancel last minute they’ll have to eat your vegan bacon made of rice paper.

Demand better sleeping conditions

A mention of your bad back here, a request for a specific number of duck down pillows there, and before you know it your host will feel obliged to take your place on the shitty sofa bed. Meanwhile you’ll be sinking into their king size Tempur mattress and f**king up their indentation in the memory foam.

Enjoy the shower of your life

You’ve done your friends a great favour by travelling all the way to see them, so you deserve to treat your stay like a spa break. Steaming hot, half hour showers are a must – if the water hasn’t run cold by the time you’re done, you’re not pampering yourself. And don’t hold back with their fancy beauty products or loofah either. Get them right in your crotch.

Take your kids

The best way to traumatise anyone who values their sanity or house is to bring your children along with you. Young kids excel at yanking things off shelves and night-time screaming, while older kids stay awake for so long your hosts will barely get a break from them. And best of all your hosts aren’t allowed to complain to you about them.

Don’t bring a gift

If someone’s gone through the ballache of laundering sheets for you, they at least deserve to get a bottle of wine out of it. Don’t get them one. To add insult to injury, neck the entirety of their booze collection during your stay so they’ve nothing left to unwind with when you finally piss off.

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Man watching weekend lie-in sex slip through his grasp

A MAN is realising that hoped-for morning sex is increasingly unlikely due to his partner doing other stuff.

Tom Logan is disappointed at both the lack of keenly anticipated weekend morning sex and his partner Rachel who appears to prefer activities like removing ripe cat turds from the litter tray.

Logan said: “I thought my luck was in. But on a lazy weekend morning that’s perfect for sex she’s decided to do a f**king spring clean as if I’m not even horny.

“I wish she’d stop vacuuming in case it makes her too tired for sex. And is she really more interested in doing an unnecessary wipe of some tiny glass smudges with the Windolene? Imagine how big that makes my cock feel.”

Logan had desperately tried to convince himself that the dull tasks were a temporary distraction, but was forced to face reality at 11.05am when Rachel decided to ‘go through’ some old clothes, a chore which can take hours or days.

He added: “I feel I’m the only one working at our sex life. I’m up for it any time, apart from when the footie’s on, and I hardly do any domestic duties.

“Today I was all set for a a good session of vigorous porking. Although now I think about it, maybe we’d have more sex if I stopped calling it that.”