NOSTALGIC for the naughty 1990s but afraid to step out of the comfort zone of staying in alone staring at your phone? Here’s how to party like an All Saint, but safely:
Fashion
There’s nothing intrinsically dangerous about a bucket hat, though be sensitive to accusations of colonialism from American TikTokers who mistake it for a pith helmet. Practice ‘baggy’ dancing by watching the video for Flowered Up’s Weekender. Note its lack of any rhythm, simian arm-dangling and general stagger make it easy to emulate.
Music
The 90s had many genres, the barriers between which you could not care less about. Mix The Prodigy into The Corrs into Ride into Fatboy Slim just as they didn’t at the time, then needle-drop Champagne Supernova. To avoid hearing loss from big sound systems and to keep it more attuned to your generation’s needs, play it all on your phone on the bus.
Drinking
Obviously a risk, because you don’t want to end up like a pissed-up boomer. However the 90s were not so much about drinking as being photographed drinking, so rename your parents’ summerhouse the Met Bar, swig anything colourful and sway out onto the patio while all your friends try to photograph you with the whites of your eyes showing for Heat.
Drugs
Now irredeemably uncool because they’re a parent thing. So rather than take a mind-altering substance which could distract you from social media, remember one in every five Es taken back then was fake, take a vitamin and then moan to your mates all night about being ripped off. Try not to get overexcited by the incredible vitamin high.
Sex
Inexplicably popular back then because pornography wasn’t widely available and their primitive minds seized upon the next best thing. It is theoretically possible to have sex, but why would you? What if you like it? The K-Pop Demon Hunters fan fiction community would shun you forever. Instead, do what many did back then: don’t actually, but say you did.
