How to justify your long-haul holiday to your socially conscious friends

SPENDING thousands on a fancy summer holiday but worried about being looked down on by your sanctimonious friends? Here’s how to get away with it.

Say it’s educational

Tell everyone you’re taking the kids to Kenya to learn about the developing world, when actually you’re on an all-inclusive luxury safari living it up like an 1800s colonial. Get the little ones to do some Third World worksheets on the business-class flight home.

Claim you’ll be doing charity work

Say some platitudes about volunteering and you can jump on your flight to Thailand guilt-free, even if by ‘charity’ you mean you’ll be financially supporting local dealers by purchasing MDMA for a full moon party.

Talk about enlightenment

Any vague bullshit about self-care being a radical political act justifies your astronomically expensive yoga retreat in the Maldives. Your friends will instantly understand this selfish indulgence, because they are tw*ts just like you.

Say it’s for research

Everyone in your social circle is writing a novel, or a travel book, or a soul-searching memoir interrogating white people’s unconscious racism. Pretend you’re doing that and not only is your holiday fine, you can claim it back against tax.


Can’t be arsed to think up an excuse? Make up a holier-than-thou holiday like two weeks on an organic goat farm in the Orkneys then fuck off to Sicily like you always do. Nobody actually looks at your Instagram anyway, you’re fine.

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Cricket fans ready to trash Waitrose if England win World Cup

CRICKET fans are threatening to rampage through Waitrose, Cath Kidston and SpaceNK wreaking havoc if England win today’s World Cup. 

Police are prepared for an outbreak of unruly middle-class behaviour with affluent, chino-wearing fans downing glasses crémant and looting manchego cheese and prosciutto.

Julian Cook said: “They don’t call us the Barmy Army for nothing. There won’t be a branch of Thomas Pink that’s safe.

“In exceptional circumstances like these I may even down a Cabernet Sauvignon without even bothering to pair it with halloumi and to hell with the tannins.

“We’re going to go absolutely batshit mental from that final stroke of leather on willow until 7pm, when The Archers is on.”

Police Sergeant Stephen Malley said: “We’re increasing our presence in danger zones where house prices are over £500,000 and people believe cricket to be a sport rather than a baffling, endless chore.

“Plain-clothed officers are stationed in delis and artisan bakeries. We don’t want any repeat of the scenes when Andy Murray won Wimbledon and riot police in Fulham were felled in a shower of olive stones and sourdough.”