Tuesday, 26th January 2021

How to justify your long-haul holiday to your socially conscious friends

SPENDING thousands on a fancy summer holiday but worried about being looked down on by your sanctimonious friends? Here’s how to get away with it.

Say it’s educational

Tell everyone you’re taking the kids to Kenya to learn about the developing world, when actually you’re on an all-inclusive luxury safari living it up like an 1800s colonial. Get the little ones to do some Third World worksheets on the business-class flight home.

Claim you’ll be doing charity work

Say some platitudes about volunteering and you can jump on your flight to Thailand guilt-free, even if by ‘charity’ you mean you’ll be financially supporting local dealers by purchasing MDMA for a full moon party.

Talk about enlightenment

Any vague bullshit about self-care being a radical political act justifies your astronomically expensive yoga retreat in the Maldives. Your friends will instantly understand this selfish indulgence, because they are tw*ts just like you.

Say it’s for research

Everyone in your social circle is writing a novel, or a travel book, or a soul-searching memoir interrogating white people’s unconscious racism. Pretend you’re doing that and not only is your holiday fine, you can claim it back against tax.


Can’t be arsed to think up an excuse? Make up a holier-than-thou holiday like two weeks on an organic goat farm in the Orkneys then fuck off to Sicily like you always do. Nobody actually looks at your Instagram anyway, you’re fine.