Man given glass of wine at 1pm has no option now but to keep drinking

A MAN given a glass of white wine at 1pm has been left with no choice but to continue drinking until nightfall. 

Tom Logan was unexpectedly handed the large glass of Chardonnay at a friend’s house and for politeness’s sake was forced to drain it, ask for another and commit himself to a ten-hour alcohol binge.

He said: “It’s sunny, it’s hot and if I stop drinking now I’ll be crippled with a massive, thumping early-evening hangover that won’t fade until it’s time to go to bed, so I guess I’m in it for the long haul.

“It’s kind of a shame. I had plans for today. I wanted to watch a movie tonight, but no way will I be able to focus on moving images on a screen by 9pm. The very thought.

“On the other hand nor will I be able to get solidly pissed at any point, because once I’m steadying myself against furniture then I’ll have to ease off and after that comes consequences, so I’m walking a booze tightrope until sundown.

“All-day drinking is a marathon, not a sprint. I’ve got to keep myself nicely lubricated, get in enough alcohol to make it through the evening, fit a meal in at some point and reach the finish line.

“Christ it’s going to be hard. It’s a good thing I’ll be drunk.”

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Ed Sheeran quietly confident that next single will do well at regional corporate awards ceremonies

ED Sheeran admitted he does not want to jinx it, but he can see more than a few regional sales award winners taking the stage to his next track come December. 

The singer-songwriter hopes Dreams So Big will be popular with planners of annual sales conferences for the moment when the top-selling agent for the West Midlands is asked to come up and get their engraved glass trophy.

He said: “This is the big one, you know? This is the mountain that every artist has to climb.

“I’ve already done the song you can’t avoid at weddings, the song you hate in the nightclub and the song your Irish auntie puts on when she’s had three Cinzanos, but the corporate world remains unconquered.

“Coming up with something as featurelessly life-affirming as Take That’s Greatest Day, The Script’s Hall of Fame or Katy Perry’s Firework is a massive challenge. Only the blandest can take it on.

“To be honest, I was spurred into it by Calvin Harris’s Giant. Magnificent. Now there’s a track truly worthy of following the words ‘And for surpassing her branch’s targets for the fourth year running, it’s…’”

Conference organiser Sue Traherne said: “Ed Sheeran? Ooh no. These are important awards, and he’s scruffy.”