PENSIONERS are the real comeback kids of coronavirus, with their viral smashes showing they’re not just a load of moaning old biscuit-munchers. But how will we keep old people chic after the crisis?
Open the country’s first ‘pensioner café’
Hipster cereal cafés and cat cafés are so last decade. Encourage young people to encounter a real life old person who will explain the joys of watching Doctors a lot and cups of milky tea. The pensioners can also sleep under the tables, which will cut social care bills.
Make blue rinse hair fashionable
Bouffant curls the colour of WKD should become the most popular hairdo since the Rachel. Blue rinses are only a step on from the bad lockdown dye jobs of homeschooled teenagers, or unicorn hair. Now the younger generation can look like Mrs Slocombe, even though they don’t know who she is.
Go back to basics with cabbage
No one needs hipster varieties like hispi, or swanky cabbage side dishes with extravagant additions such as acorns and seaweed. Go back to where cabbage came from, which is your Nan’s kitchen, boiled for at least three hours and stinking out the whole house like a flatulence-scented Glade plug-in.
Revamp the catwalk with ‘pensioner chic’
Looks should include twinsets, beige slacks and walking sticks. Remember when your Nan died and you just dumped all her stuff outside the Oxfam shop? Big mistake, that lilac cardigan and floral print flannel nightgown are high fashion now.
Dump the Botox
Wrinkly is so hot right now. Instead of face-smoothing filler treatments, people will be asking plastic surgeons for ‘a full Esther Rantzen’, having hair transplanted into their noses, and removing implants to make their tits more saggy. Thank you, Captain Tom.