How to keep pensioners trendy after coronavirus

PENSIONERS are the real comeback kids of coronavirus, with their viral smashes showing they’re not just a load of moaning old biscuit-munchers. But how will we keep old people chic after the crisis?

Open the country’s first ‘pensioner café’

Hipster cereal cafés and cat cafés are so last decade. Encourage young people to encounter a real life old person who will explain the joys of watching Doctors a lot and cups of milky tea. The pensioners can also sleep under the tables, which will cut social care bills.

Make blue rinse hair fashionable

Bouffant curls the colour of WKD should become the most popular hairdo since the Rachel. Blue rinses are only a step on from the bad lockdown dye jobs of homeschooled teenagers, or unicorn hair. Now the younger generation can look like Mrs Slocombe, even though they don’t know who she is.

Go back to basics with cabbage

No one needs hipster varieties like hispi, or swanky cabbage side dishes with extravagant additions such as acorns and seaweed. Go back to where cabbage came from, which is your Nan’s kitchen, boiled for at least three hours and stinking out the whole house like a flatulence-scented Glade plug-in.

Revamp the catwalk with ‘pensioner chic’

Looks should include twinsets, beige slacks and walking sticks. Remember when your Nan died and you just dumped all her stuff outside the Oxfam shop? Big mistake, that lilac cardigan and floral print flannel nightgown are high fashion now.

Dump the Botox

Wrinkly is so hot right now. Instead of face-smoothing filler treatments, people will be asking plastic surgeons for ‘a full Esther Rantzen’, having hair transplanted into their noses, and removing implants to make their tits more saggy. Thank you, Captain Tom.

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'3pm cheese' and four other made-up meals popular with lockdown Brits

LOCKDOWN is the perfect opportunity to eat like a pig, for something to do and to satisfy your natural greed. So what new meals are now part of daily life? 

Kitchen clean up buffet 

Eaten in the morning, this consists of anything on the kitchen worktops from the day before. A spoonful of room-temperature tzatziki? Fistful of dry oven chips? The bit of green pepper that got stuck next to the hob? Your first video conference isn’t for a whole 45 minutes, so enjoy this sumptuous feast. Bon appetit!

Second breakfast

What’s better than breakfast? Yes – TWO breakfasts. Want a bacon and egg butty 15 minutes after your usual bacon and egg on a plate? Crack on! Some might ask if you actually need to follow up toast, coffee and a massive bowl of Frosties with a cheese omelette. If you’ve stockpiled 10 dozen eggs like most Brits, the answer is an emphatic ‘yes’.

Note: Second Breakfast can be followed with Third Breakfast, but only if you can squeeze it in before the increasingly popular ‘10.30 snack’. 

The Tesco slot home picnic

If you managed to nab an online food slot months ago, celebrate with an impromptu picnic. Using six tea towels as a makeshift blanket, sit on the floor munching through your delivery when it arrives. Eat four bags of Wotsits, a six-pack of Yoghurts, a mouthful of neat tomato purée. You could be dead next week so there’s no point putting it all away in the cupboard.

Freestyle toast

Scarcity of food means all bets are off with regards to toast toppings. Last night’s lasagne on toast? Probably worth a go. Jam and cayenne pepper, or a combination of Marmite and marmalade? Why not? You’ve just invented ‘Marmitealade’. The great thing is that whatever culinary horror you create, no one will ever find out.

3pm cheese

Fast becoming a British institution up there with ‘elevenses’. Simply open the fridge in a state of utter boredom rather than hunger and dig in. Anything will do, as long as it’s cheesy. A sad-looking nub of Red Leicester, sweaty gouda, grated cheddar that goes on the floor – it’s all part of the new ‘3pm cheese’ tradition. Makes you proud to be British!