How to pretend going to the beach is fun

IT’S summer and that means beach time. Yay. Here’s how to look as if you do like to be beside the seaside, even though it’s rubbish most of the time.

Feign excitement about sand

Sand is shit. It’s uncomfortable, it sticks to everything and will be on the floor of your car for months to come. Nonetheless, grit your teeth and make a sandcastle, or dig a pathetic little hole. That will do.

Force yourself into the sea

This is what you’re here for: the vast, grey, freezing sea. Paddle! Splash! Try not to think about the terrifying shit that could be lurking in there! Or, if you’re in Blackpool, the actual shit that’s lurking in there.

Stick it out for 20 minutes then rush back ashore, thankful you’ve not been eaten by Jaws.

Try to ignore the existential dread of the ocean

The waves go on forever, beyond the horizon, while you are tiny and insignificant. The water reaches unimaginable depths and connects everything on the planet, but you are just one human of no consequence to nature’s unstoppable dance…

When you feel like this it’s probably time to get some chips.

Submit to the seagulls

When you get those chips, however, some fucking seagull is going to try an aerial mugging. Let it happen. Accept you’ll never win, against a seagull or in life. Hey, maybe the beach really is chilling you out.

Accept the arcade is inevitable

How much would you normally spend on a pencil case? £2? £4 at a push, maybe? Today you’re going to spend £45 on one thanks to rigged amusement arcade games that give out tokens.

Accept it and prepare to empty your wallet. Or cut your losses and just spend £30 getting nowhere on Galaxians.

Bypass the pebble beaches

Shingle can fuck off.

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Some bastard at restaurant always wants to try a bit of everyone's food

MOST group visits to a restaurant include some git who wants to have a bit of other people’s meals, research has confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that scrounging titbits was a calculated move designed to get a large variety of tasty food without paying.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They’ll preface the meal by saying ‘We can all try a bit of each other’s!’. That’s a deliberate ploy to soften you up for pinching your king prawns.

“If you object, for example quite reasonably saying, ‘No, fuck off and eat your own food’ they’ll stigmatise you as a horrible non-sharer.

“Everyone will mock you, despite secretly wanting to eat all the food they ordered for themselves. It’s hard to say who’s worse, the food thief or these spineless hypocritical scum.

“When the dishes arrive, the food sharer will try a bit of everyone’s, but if you try theirs they’ll already have a plan in place and go ‘Ooh, don’t take the best bit of meat!”.

“The only solution is to order something horrible, like a plate of boiled liver with a raw cooking apple for dessert, but that can put a bit of a downer on the meal.”