How to pretend to enjoy being on holiday when you're terrified

GOING on a theoretically relaxing week away but you’re actually so scared of touching any surfaces it’s going to be a nightmare? Here’s how to fake it.

Claim you love a road trip

You can now fly to some countries, but what kind of lunatic wants to be trapped in a metal tube with 200 other potentially deadly passengers? Insist on driving and pretend you love it, even if it takes you nine hot, irritable days to reach your favourite villa in Greece.

Eat all picnics in the car

Even if cafes are open you can’t be sure that COVID-19 isn’t lurking on the cutlery. Make your own disappointing sandwiches, eat them in the car and pretend it makes you nostalgic for the miserable holidays of your childhood.

Be constantly drunk

You’re allowed to start drinking at 10am on holiday which is good because you’ll need it to forget to worry about whether the holiday cottage you’ve hired has been properly disinfected or just vaguely wiped over with a germ-infested cloth.

Tell everyone you adore camping in the rain

If you can’t relax enough to sleep in a bed you haven’t personally boil washed, go camping instead. You have to bring every single item from home, which is why camping is an inconvenient nightmare, but at least you know that everything down to the teaspoons has been sterilised.

Stay at home and photoshop the pictures

If leaving home seems like too much of an anxiety-ridden pain in the arse, just stay home. Download some pictures of Spain, photoshop yourself in, pop them on Facebook and have a nice, relaxing time in safety.

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Boyfriend talking over programme like he's more interesting than television

A WOMAN’S partner keeps starting conversations in front of the television believing he is more appealing than what she has chosen to watch.

Charlotte Phelps is struggling to understand how her boyfriend of three years thinks his chat can compete with the vast array of streaming platform content available to her.

Phelps said: “When I’m crying my way through a transformative journey on Queer Eye, I don’t have time to pretend I give a shit while he bitches about how annoying his colleagues are.

“I’ve had to stay up late to rewatch whole seasons of Homeland because he talked over key moments, and he ruined Normal People for me by banging on about all the traumatic family stuff he experienced growing up.

“No amount of one-to-one interaction will ever rival all those lovely little pixels moving about, especially not with a man whose conversation always includes a detailed description of his latest bowel movement.”