Cunning middle class drinkers put off going to the pub until this weekend

CLEVER middle class people are going to the pub this weekend instead, having dodged both the common folk and the rush. 

The savvy drinkers held back last weekend to allow the proles to sup their fill and spend their meagre hoard of wages on drink, in favour of going out when all is quiet.

Julian Cooke said: “You wouldn’t have caught me out last week. No way. They’d all been trapped inside for months and their houses are so small.

“But now they’ve all had their little bacchanal and caught up on the football and their other grubby interests, the moment is right for our sojourn to The Wheatsheaf.

“The bar staff will be delighted to see us after dealing with all those hollering idiots, drunk on freedom and Fosters, last weekend.

“We’ll retire to the garden, sip our drinks in a relaxed manner, and congratulate ourselves on our foresight and patience.”

Barman Jordan Gardner said: “If there’s one person I haven’t missed whilst on furlough, it’s that smug twat.”

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Posh twat family commandeers two square miles of park for picnic

A FAMILY of posh twats has roped off two square miles of a public park to have a fancy picnic. 

The family have reserved different areas for dining, drinks, kids’ entertainment and a good-natured game of rounders, and are passive-aggressively asking any strangers who stray across them not to.

Eleanor Shaw said: “We wouldn’t normally come to a public park but Boris did say we were to meet in a public place.

“No, but seriously it’s perfect for our socially-distanced soirée. We’ve set up the barbecues under the trees, there are blankets and hampers over there, and everyone else can just walk around the edges.”

Dog walker Nathan Muir said: “Literally about 60 per cent of the park so they can sit there drinking Pimm’s and eating chargrilled beef burgers off china plates. Selfish bastards.

“Still, at least they don’t grunt as much as the caveman fitness training class that usually has it.”