Sunday, 9th August 2020

Office twat has three months of twattishness saved up

A MAN hated by all his colleagues has returned to work with 14 weeks of f**king annoying behaviour stored up.

Unbearable tosser Martin Bishop wasted no time droning on at length about his boring lockdown problems such as not being able to get a haircut and putting on hand sanitiser ostentatiously.

Colleague Tom Logan said: “By 9.42am on Monday he was already having a whip-round for his birthday because it happened during lockdown and had sent an email to our boss saying he was worried that ‘professional standards had slipped’.

“He was soon back to his old tricks like making a big deal of minor things like keeping the photocopier tray stocked with paper. I think he may also have asked Lucy if she’d had a lot of sex during lockdown.

“He’s not had anyone to inflict his twattishness on for several months so it was like opening the floodgates. He talked to me about the company bike shed for 19 minutes.”

Bishop said: “During lockdown I stuck rigidly to my contracted hours while at home, limited my toilet breaks and wrote my name on the food in my own fridge out of habit. I fail to see how that makes me a ‘wanker’ as Gavin suggested.”

Line manager Susan Traherne said: “Sadly we couldn’t sack him when he came back from furlough because he’s the only one who understands spreadsheets properly. Also he’s the type who might come back with a gun.”