Friday, 30th October 2020

Gyms, swimming pools and other fetid death traps to reopen this month

THE government has given the all-clear for enclosed spaces in which people grunt, thrash around and spray body fluids to open again this month.

Confident that coronavirus is almost beaten, the prime minister has challenged the disease to do its worst in the sort of confined, sweaty environments in which it thrives.

Boris Johnson said: “Reopening gyms and swimming pools is the sort of reckless, premature gesture which shows the coronavirus what we’re made of.

“There’s no way gasping and splashing around in a busy public swimming pool could transmit the virus. And a packed gym full of panting fitness obsessives who care about nothing except looking good is hardly its ideal environment.

“This virus is no match for brawny Brits working out shoulder-to-shoulder like we did in the Blitz, probably. It’ll soon slope off back to a weaker country, such as France, where the prey is easier.”

Epidemiologist Julian Cooke said: “The government is absolutely right, as usual. The coronavirus avoids environments like gyms because it feels guilty about never doing any exercise.

“It also hates swimming pools because it feels self-conscious in the changing rooms and is worried about getting a verruca.”