How to scare the shit out of people, by a house spider

WANT to make people jump out of their skin at a moment’s notice? Here house spider Roy Hobbs explains how to terrify otherwise rational adult humans.

Build a house made of bum thread

A burrow in the ground or a nest of twigs isn’t good enough for us spiders. Instead you need to shit out a home made of sticky silk and sit in the centre of it completely motionless day and night. It’s creepy but it’s so clean you can eat your dinner off it.

Possess eight eyes and eight legs

More eyes equals more scary, that’s just a law of nature. Pair that with eight long, slender legs and you’re ready to make scaredy cats scream and try to smack you with a rolled-up newspaper. They’ll always miss though. Because you’ve got eight eyes and eight legs.

Appear out of nowhere and skitter across the floor

Wait until people are snuggled up on the sofa watching a rom-com before you make your ungodly move. Ignore their shrieks of terror then sneak under a cupboard door so they’ll never find you and spend the rest of their evening living in fear.

Crawl into people’s mouths when they’re asleep

It’s a suicide move but totally worth it. Even if innocent sleepers don’t actually choke to death on your flailing limbs, you’ll be contributing to a widespread public fear that will make them dread nodding off. But they will eventually. And you’ll be ready.

Have relatives in Australia that are f**king deadly

You know, the massive poisonous ones that pounce on their prey with lightning speed. They might be a different species on the other side of the planet, but you’re all family. And even if you’re not a badass spider who eats birds, but you can still scare the shit out of people just by sitting in the bath. It’s that easy.


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The couple's guide to being dicks about moving out of London

ARE you planning to move out of London and believe it is the most important event in human history? Here’s how to drone on about it in a self-absorbed, middle class way.

Do not f**king shut up about it

Your move should become the only thing you and your partner talk about for the foreseeable future. If someone tries to commit suicide with a fork at one of your dinner parties to escape the tedium, you have described your important lifestyle change well.

Be extremely patronising about other parts of the country

You’ve considered moving to Kent, but it’s too pricey, but there’s no way you’re relocating somewhere like the Midlands. You can’t abide the accent and do they even have schools there? Anywhere west of Swindon is out because they’re all inbred peasants, and Essex is no-go because literally everyone there is a permatanned TOWIE moron with a vajazzle and a low IQ.

Be amazed by anywhere slightly rural

Once you’ve bought a nice enough house in a semi-rural town, act as if you’ve moved to f**king Mars. Ramble on about how clean the air is, how there’s “a real sense of community”, and start growing vegetables. Your friends will be fascinated by daily updates on how your courgettes are doing.

Be scathing about anywhere slightly rural 

Don’t let your pleasant new surroundings stop you going on a massive whinge-fest. Complain about the broadband speed relentlessly – this is deeply interesting because no one else has ever had internet problems before. Also be outraged that a small town of 15,000 people does not have its own Tate Modern. 

Depress your friends still in London

After months of forcing your friends to listen to your reservations about leaving the big city, suddenly decide London is a dangerously polluted, overpriced hellhole, and you’re “just so relieved to be out of the rat race”. Point out that their rents are “dead money”, and ask them if they’ve got good home security, because London gangs are doing a lot of home invasions these days.