Friday, 3rd July 2020

I'd like you all to f**k off, says dad when asked what he wants for Father's day

A FATHER of young children has said what he would really like for Father’s Day is some f**king peace in an empty house.

Martin Bishop made the unusual gift request after another day of children dicking about and crying hysterically over spilt Ribena while he tries to take conference calls. 

Father-of-three Bishop said: “My ideal present would be just f*ck off and leave me alone. Not forever. A day, perhaps. Although three weeks would be nice.

“I fantasise about how it would play out. Maybe my wife Emma gets a flat tyre while driving back from the park, and then they all have to camp by the side of the road for a few days. It’s not like the fantasies I used to have about Emma, but if I don’t get some peace I may go mad.

“Obviously I relish our family time – it’s adorable being unable to get to the kettle without impaling my feet on Lego while someone phones me about a purchase order.

“So this Father’s Day, instead of a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug, maybe they can all just f**k off and stand in a field or something for 72 hours? That would really prove what a wonderful family I’ve got.”