You will end up in the bin, cheese tells newly arrived vegetables

A BLOCK of cheddar has told the fresh ingredients for a healthy meal they will be ignored for two weeks before going in the bin.

The ingredients, consisting of eight different vegetables, a selection of fresh herbs and a free-range chicken, will spend an increasingly hopeless fortnight in the fridge before being dumped, even though they would take only 30 minutes to prepare.

Massive cheese, Nathan Muir, told the vegetables: “They probably took longer to find you in Waitrose than it would have taken to make the meal. Oh dear.

“Let me guess – when you were in the trolley it was all ‘I’m really looking forward to this arroz con pollo’ and ‘cooking together is such a great couples thing to do’.

“But we all know where you’re going. Because you’re not cheese.”

Martin Bishop, a leek, said: “We don’t even bother introducing ourselves when a new bottle of white wine arrives. It’s not worth it, they’re gone before the end of the night.

“We had hopes and dreams. Dave – that’s the pepper – was looking forward to being stirred in with those cumin seeds. Instead we’ll all be going into the black bag. Apart from Emma, the chicken, who needs to go straight in the outside bin because she’ll really stink.”

Bishop added: “I do think the cheese could be a bit more sympathetic. He’s a bit of a prick, actually.”

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Women can now eat crisps

WOMEN are finally able to eat crisps with their delicate lady mouths thanks to the launch of a female-friendly version of the popular snack.

The new ‘girl crisp’, made with sugar, spice and all things nice, allows women to consume them without making any brutish crunching sounds.

Emma Hollis, from Leeds, said:  “I have been using crisps as pot pourri and hair slides so it is good to think I can now scoff them in a fancy, ladylike fashion.

“One hundred years after women won the right to vote, we now have crisps made especially for women. This is what Pankhurst fought for.

“No more hiding in the bathroom to munch on tangy cheese. No more sucking on a Dorito until it’s silently soggy. 

“This is just a dream come true.”