Inspirational drivel to post on Facebook then do the opposite of

DO you wish you were less of a loser but prefer putting inspirational messages on Facebook to actually doing something about it? Here are some mantras just for you!

‘I never dreamed about success. I worked for it’

Do you work in an office doing something dreary with data inputting? Do you constantly go on about your dream of opening a gourmet sausage roll shop but do fuck all about it? This one is for you.

‘Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place’

Tell yourself this when your wife has found out you’ve been cheating on her and she’s just sprayed ‘WANKER’ across your car windscreen. Remember: sometimes things are just falling apart.

‘The smile on a child’s face is worth a million dollars!’

Just as well, because although you have several vile children setting fire to wheelie bins on the estate you are unlikely to ever have a million dollars.

‘A problem is a chance for you to do your best’

Is it? Is it REALLY? Or is it a chance for you to hide under your duvet drinking neat gin and hoping if you get drunk enough it will magically go away?

‘Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown and be sweet on the inside’

When you secretly know your life is utterly rubbish, try posting a horribly twee quote to make yourself feel better. It won’t change anything, but at least other people will think you’re quirky and fun!