Inspirational drivel to post on Facebook then do the opposite of

DO you wish you were less of a loser but prefer putting inspirational messages on Facebook to actually doing something about it? Here are some mantras just for you!

‘I never dreamed about success. I worked for it’

Do you work in an office doing something dreary with data inputting? Do you constantly go on about your dream of opening a gourmet sausage roll shop but do fuck all about it? This one is for you.

‘Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place’

Tell yourself this when your wife has found out you’ve been cheating on her and she’s just sprayed ‘WANKER’ across your car windscreen. Remember: sometimes things are just falling apart.

‘The smile on a child’s face is worth a million dollars!’

Just as well, because although you have several vile children setting fire to wheelie bins on the estate you are unlikely to ever have a million dollars.

‘A problem is a chance for you to do your best’

Is it? Is it REALLY? Or is it a chance for you to hide under your duvet drinking neat gin and hoping if you get drunk enough it will magically go away?

‘Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown and be sweet on the inside’

When you secretly know your life is utterly rubbish, try posting a horribly twee quote to make yourself feel better. It won’t change anything, but at least other people will think you’re quirky and fun!

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Woman asks friend for 'feedback' on incredibly shit children's book idea

A WOMAN found it hard to give positive feedback on a friend’s children’s book idea because it was shockingly shite, it has emerged.

Nikki Hollis met friend Emma Bradford for what she thought was just a coffee and catch-up when it turned into an impromptu pitch for her children’s book idea Spoonee and Forkee.

Hollis said: “I just kept nodding and smiling but the rest of my body was frozen by the shitness of it. I think I was in a type of ‘terrible idea shock’.

“Spoonee and Forkee – yes, they are actually called that – teach children it’s okay to be different types of cutlery or some bullshit.

“In future I’ll ask in advance if friends are going to suck me into their idiotic children’s book fantasies, because I just found myself arguing for Martin Clunes to play Forkee in the TV series.”

Bradford said: “Spoons and forks are a brilliant universal that both kids and parents can relate to. Also there’s a lot of humour potential in a friendship between two very different items of cutlery.

“I thought coming up with children’s books was hard but it turns out it’s an absolute piece of piss. Did I mention they have a friend who’s a butter dish?”