Five annoying things about millennials we've just made up

DO you love getting angry about millennials? Here are some things about them we’ve imagined which will make you despise them even more.

Millennials hate anything that isn’t pretentious

Ask a millennial what they want to drink and they won’t say ‘tea’, they’ll demand a ‘double frappalatte mocha-chocca espressocini’ or some other wanky coffee which we definitely did not just make up.

It’s the same with food. Give them a roast beef dinner and they’ll vomit it up because it’s not smashed avocado on la-di-da bread made by Italians – when millions of hardworking British bakers need their support.

Millennials cannot bear any form of hardship

If a millennial goes out in light rain it will cry. Yes, cry. If one of them has to turn up to work on time they’ll go to Health & Safety and sue the company. God, don’t these ‘people’ make you sick? In a pleasing, sanctimonious sort of way?

Millennials do not have normal sex organs

Millennials are so afraid of sex they’ve evolved useless genitals, basically a small bump where the penis or vagina should be. When they try to mate this causes only the mildest of pleasurable sensations, similar to stroking a gerbil, so millennials will cause the human race to die out.

Millennials disrespect World War 2

Ask a young millennial woman to name five British main battle tanks in the period 1939-45 or explain the key logistical and tactical problems during the Battle of Arnhem and she will just look at you blankly.

This sort of disrespect for our brilliant victory in WW2 is disgusting. It’s only a matter of time before millennials start wearing ‘Mussolini was cool!’ t-shirts. THAT IS A FACT.

Millennials plan to kill everyone over the age of 25

This insane, vindictive plan to eradicate most of the productive population of the UK is something only self-centred idiots like millennials could have thought of.

We sane people – Daily Telegraph readers, strange old men, gullible twats – need to rise up and stop it, but let’s enjoy hating millennials for a bit longer first.

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'I'm happy for you' actually means 'No I'm f**king not'

PEOPLE are never telling the truth when they claim to be happy for you, research has confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found the phrase ‘I’m happy for you’ is normally spoken with a burning sense of hatred and resentment toward the person being congratulated, even if a close friend or spouse.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Whether in relation to someone being promoted or an ex meeting someone new, ‘I’m happy for you’ is extremely unlikely to be sincere.

“Subtle clues include a massive forced smile, visibly choking on the words and punching a nearby wall or desk.

“Human beings are by nature petty creatures who always want to feel as if they’re ‘ahead’. So if you can’t beat someone, it’s best that you both have miserable, shitty lives. That’s just common sense.

“My advice is to practise saying ‘I’m pleased for you’ in advance so you can say it in any situation without sounding sarcastic and bitter, which you surely are.”

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “When my mate Pete got an amazing job with a film company I was totally sincere when I said I was happy for him, the bloody overachieving little shit weasel.”